All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

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Viridian
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby Viridian » Wed Oct 14, 2015 2:31 pm

The reality is that many stories do not see the light of day, and some should stay that way. I'm glad that you've taken the time to think this one through - some ideas simply don't get anywhere and you can start over without desperately hanging onto a bad idea.

I've mentioned in my previous critique that you have the problem of reusing the same structure and same characters for every story with zero plot. While this is an unfinished draft, I'm not sure if this one is heading anywhere either, and that this may be why you are stuck. If there's one thing that is going to cause grief in your writing process, it's the fact that there is no central conflict in this story. Your opening gives it away:

West and Breanna were walking across a shallow estuary somewhere on the west coast of Scotland. The two girls were wearing new rubber boots; West's were pink, Breanna's turquoise. They had decided to cross the estuary in order to test their boots.


The full extent of your story is that two women are walking across an estuary and get stuck. This begs the question: why are they there? "To test their boots" is not a reason. Surely someone can test their new boots without blatantly walking into danger. This is lazy writing to get into the stuck/sinking part, and this is what you have to overcome. My advice for you is to actually write up a story without quicksand. I'm serious. Keep boots or waders or whatever you like. Try to write one without quicksand. Then see where you can fit quicksand to make it an interesting, suspenseful and enjoyable experience for the reader.

What this will do is teach you how to construct a story that features the critical elements of a story - characters, setting, conflict, drama, suspense, resolution. Try to build something different, unique, or even just inspired by something else. Try romance, or action, or mystery. You enjoy playing computer games - could you write a fanfiction piece based on events in a story and work a quicksand scene into it, rather than just ripping off the characters' names? You've mentioned that you like the story of Frozen. Instead of copying Disney's characters and swapping out ice for mud, could you create an alternate story with your own characters that has a similar plot? That will challenge you - and you need to challenge yourself.

The quicksand should not be the entirety of the story. As much as we love it, it's a monotonous read to see more of this:

(Character) and (character) live in (place). They are wearing (clothing). Suddenly, they walk into mud and they sink to their (body part). "Oh, ugh!" said (character). "I can't move!" (Character) sinks to (body part). "Oh, this feels good! But I have to think of how to get out." (Character) gets out. End. Thanks for reading.


What you've started in this draft isn't actually too bad. Other than the nonexistent plot, you're getting better at using your characters to interact. The problem is that we already know how it's going to end because you always do the same thing. Be different.
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby 101927700 » Fri Oct 16, 2015 4:28 am

This story may or may not get finished, but since I have a new story in the works, I'm going to post this one as is.

Tessa's Struggle.

Tessa Myles was at the Morteterra Bog Overlook in southern England. A sign read, "The Romans originally named this area Morteterra, or 'deadly ground' after many of their soldiers disappeared there." It was raining with occasional thunder, but luckily Tessa was wearing her jacket and rubber boots. Then she noticed a sign that read, "Bog Trail" on it. She decided to head down the trail to get a closer look at the bog. Little did she know she would end up getting a much closer look at the bog than she bargained for.

Now Tessa was walking along the bog boardwalk, taking pictures of the scenery with her phone. Then she decided to take a selfie video. "So here I am at the Morteterra Bog Trail. Anyways, the scenery here is gre-AAH!!!" Tessa wasn't watching where she was going, and so walked off the path and fell right into the bog's grip, splattering mud all over her jacket. "...Ok, I have to end the video, because as you can see, I'm in quite the predicament right now!" She reached up and was just able to put her phone on the boardwalk with a little toss. The bog was sucking Tessa down rather quickly, and it showed no signs of stopping, as it reached Tessa's waist.

Her phone on the boardwalk was now out of reach, so she couldn't call for rescue that way. The surface of the bog felt too soft for Tessa to push herself out. And the piers supporting the boardwalk were also out of reach. All I can do is wait... But do I have time? thought Tessa as the mud started to crawl up her lower chest. The mud felt quite thick after the first foot or so down, so her feet were stuck. It was also seeping into her jeans, staining them dark brown. "Well, John Lennon once said that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. And I guess that's true here. I was just walking along, filming, planning to put the video online, when I fall in mud and all of a sudden there's a slight chance I might not make it back to the US."

"This mud is actually relatively warm for a peat bog. Or maybe my body is just hearing it up." Tessa said to no one. Then, a small hole formed in the clouds, and sunlight shone on a stick sticking out of the bog a foot or two in front of Tessa. She grabbed it and started to pull. But somewhere under the bog, it snapped, and Tessa was left with a useless piece of wood which she cast into the mud.
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Viridian
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby Viridian » Fri Oct 16, 2015 6:23 am

(Tessa) and is (England). [She] is wearing (jacket and rubber boots). Suddenly, she walks into mud and she sinks to their (waist). "Oh, ugh!" said (Tessa). "I can't move!" (Tessa) sinks to (lower chest). "Oh, this feels good! But I have to think of how to get out." (Tessa) gets out. End. Thanks for reading.
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby 101927700 » Fri Oct 16, 2015 1:08 pm

Viridian wrote:
(Tessa) and is (England). [She] is wearing (jacket and rubber boots). Suddenly, she walks into mud and she sinks to their (waist). "Oh, ugh!" said (Tessa). "I can't move!" (Tessa) sinks to (lower chest). "Oh, this feels good! But I have to think of how to get out." (Tessa) gets out. End. Thanks for reading.

Really did not seem like a template story to me.
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby 101927700 » Mon Nov 30, 2015 5:17 am

I kinda gave up on this story because I was afraid of writing a bad story after the success of my previous story... This story already sounds a bit bad to me. That first part might sound silly, but for some reason it makes sense to me. If you think this story is good, I'll gladly continue it.

Also, it takes place in Japan, hence the names.

Graduation Day
"Natari!" I don't wanna get up... "Natari! Up! Now! Get dressed! We don't want to be late for the graduation ceremony!" Natari, 24, sprung out of bed. She was graduating from college today, with a degree in wetland biology. Her roommate was named Sukura, and she was also 24. Quickly, Natari practically threw on her clothes and rushed out the door with Sukura.

Later that night, Natari and Sukura were driving to a friend's house, and that friend lived out on the other side of the mountains, so they had to drive for hours. Once there, Natari was exhausted, and almost immediately fell asleep.

The next morning, Natari awoke to see the sunlight filtering through the window screen. She hadn't even bothered to take her clothes off the night before, she was so tired. Then she saw the chest waders on the floor by the foot of the bed. Then she remembered. To celebrate her and Sukura's graduation from college, their friend Kiana had made secret plans to have the 3 of them walk around in the bog by the house, so they could study it and maybe they could explain why it made such a smell at times.
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Ace
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby Ace » Thu Dec 03, 2015 7:16 am

I am confused as to what part of this method of, let's call it storytelling, is appealing to either the reader OR the author.

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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby 101927700 » Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:07 pm

Ace wrote:I am confused as to what part of this method of, let's call it storytelling, is appealing to either the reader OR the author.

I got to that point in the story, when I decided I didn't really like it.
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Viridian
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby Viridian » Fri Dec 04, 2015 2:41 pm

I don't know where you're going with this one either. It already sounds like another copy/paste template, and if you don't like it, it's probably a good idea to shelve it. That said, it's only *very* early in its drafting stages, so it's something you could always go back to. The problem is that you haven't done *anything* with it to give it a unique hook or angle that you could use later on. Your characters are again cardboard cutouts (odd choice of setting, as none of the names are Japanese), and as typical of your early style of writing, you're trying too hard to get them into mud as soon as possible, foregoing any plot or character development. Your character just happens to have a degree in wetland biology, and they just happen to go to a place with a bog, and they just happen to have chest waders. Then do this and then drive to this location and then do this. It's a structure and simplicity that we teach to 10-year-olds. These elements *can* work, but you've got to actually use them rather than listing irrelevant details in the opening sentence.

Unless you throw in something really surprising, your story would probably progress along the lines of:
- All 3 characters put on chest waders
- They walk into the bog
- The mud fills their waders
- They poo inside their waders
- That explains the smell

...and who the hell celebrates their graduation by driving with a bunch of friends past the mountains to learn about what makes a bog stink?

This is what I mean by trying too hard to make a story out of random elements. It actually makes very little sense.

You're writing stories sequentially - start to finish - rather than thinking about an interesting plot or conflict that would drive your plot development. For you, it's all about putting your characters in waders and dumping them into mud. And there's nothing wrong with this. However, these are fantasies, not stories. Fantasies are brief, one-shot events that you might have in your head, but make for poor stories because they're fragmented, disconnected and difficult for other people to follow. A good story can integrate fantasies and fetishes, but they alone do not make a story.

You really should work on unique angles. We've discussed before that your stories are prone to being carbon copies of each other and stick to a rigid template. There's nothing much that readers will find intriguing - the characters have no personality, there's no plot and it's predictable. You really have to dig for something that hasn't really been explored before, or to take an approach that allows you to build something better. Your current scrapbook of unfinished stories are indicative of a lack of creativity as you recycle the same template each time.

A quick look through my shelved story ideas, some of which are still works in progress, include:
- An artist who is trapped inside her painting and has to experience the scene of the jungle paradise she created to escape
- A virtual reality device that has a virus that inserts quicksand perils into regular applications
- A traveler who gets caught writing erotic peril fiction during a trip
- A detective peril that involves a cover-up in an abandoned mine
- A relic collector trying to steal a rare item and being trapped in the exhibit's security system
- A group of business associates trapped on an island who are trying to kill each other for a bonus (in a Whodunit? way)
- A group of friends going out camping when they discover the remnants of a seismic superweapon

Some of these I'll finish. Otherwise have been put on ice because I don't know what to do with them. But they're all story ideas that are different to each other.

Most importantly, they're fun to write. Writing, more so than reading, is an adventure. It's an experience. When immersed, it's just as good, if not better, than the real thing. And that's where you're getting bogged down. You're writing the same thing over and over again, playing out the same fantasy. Maybe you've swapped the characters out; maybe you've changed the location; but it's still the same thing. Try something you haven't done before. Write a story that you would actually want to read many times.

And if you're still writing on your phone, stop. The phone inflates how much work and effort you're actually putting in and restricts you from seeing the big picture. This is an actual limitation in your writing capacity.
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Re: All of my unreleased stories plus a bonus

Postby 101927700 » Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:53 am

Well, I didn't want it to have to come to this with this particular story, but I've just run out of ideas for what to do with the story that doesn't fall into the same monotonous stuff so many of us hate.

Chest Wader Sisters
By 101927700
There were two twin sisters, Abigail and Emma. They both loved going in the mud, and when they discovered the quicksand fetish community in their early adult years, they got stuck in a quicksand of their own, browsing the Internet looking for new videos and pictures, buying a lot of the scenes the producers made. Then, on a warm Spring day, Abigail was browsing through YouTube, when she came across a video that was of someone wearing chest waders, going deep in a slurry tank, coming within inches of flooding his waders, and climbing out. As she was watching the video, Abigail thought to herself, This would be a cool video, if not for the fact he was sinking in stinking cow shit!
"Emma!"
"What?"
"You've got to come and see this video I found!"
Emma bounded over to the computer next to Abigail. She watched the video, first with anticipation, then bewilderment mixed with disgust.
"Why would someone post a video on the Internet of sinking in frickin' COW POOP?! People are weird! Why can't they just go and sink in normal mud, not stuff that I know would make me sick just by smelling it!" said Emma.
"I know, right?"
"Yeah..."
"I know I would totally shit myself if I was him! Up to my chest in cow poop..." said Abigail.
There was a long silence. Then Abigail spoke with excitement.
"I have an idea!"
"What?"
"We should get chest waders! That way we can sink as deep as that guy did! If we were feeling really adventurous, we could go over the tops of the waders, and fill them up with liquid mud! Wouldn't that be fun?"
"Yeah it would!"
For the remainder of the day, the two searched the Internet for good chest waders. Eventually they found some nice neoprene boot-foot ones. They bought two pairs of chest waders, one for each of the two.

A few days later, the sisters' waders arrived in the mail. Abigail was the first to try on her new waders.
"These fit so snugly! I'll be able to feel the pressure of the mud climbing up the waders!" she exclaimed, excitement clear in her voice.
Emma proceeded to put hers on.
"Yes, they do fit very nicely," Emma said, "but what if this tightness means mud can't get in, should we go over the tops of the waders?"
"I wouldn't worry about it. Mud always finds a way. Remember when we first moved into this house, and there was a small crack in the basement wall, which still allowed a slight bit of mud to stick through, enough to leave a mark on the floor?" replied Abigail.
"Ah yes, I do remember that. If only the mud hadn't dried up so much since that first 70 degree day..." said Emma wishfully.
"That's just evaporation for you. But it doesn't matter that we don't have any mud by our house. Remember when we were walking along that creek, and I fell in up to my waist, and at the moment you pulled me out I still didn't feel a bottom?"
Emma was a little confused.
"I remember getting you out of the mud... But you never told me you didn't feel the bottom!" Emma said. "What I do remember is that it was hard as nails to get you out of there. Then again that was a few months ago..."
"Which means that it'll be even thicker now! Even more dangerous and amazing!" Abigail cut in.
"Alright. Let's get ready to go back there. Does tomorrow morning sound fine to you?" inquired Emma.
"It sure does," replied Abigail. "It's getting late now, and we need to go to bed so we have more than enough energy for tomorrow's wader testing."

The next day, Abigail and Emma were driving slowly on a dirt road that was next to the creek. They pulled over to the left side of the road and stopped. Abigail was the first to get out of the car. She wasted no time heading to the back of the car and getting her chest waders out of the trunk. Her heart was racing with anticipation. They were finally going to be going into deep mud in chest waders! Abigail watched as Emma put her chest waders on.
"It's so weird how snugly these fit!" commented Emma.
"Yes it is. But that means we can feel the mud even better!" replied Abigail. The two headed down a narrow dirt path in the trees, and soon came up to the stream. The water was calm today.
"This way!" said Abigail. She ran along the stream, Emma close behind. Eventually they came to a patch of darker brown soil about 20 feet from the water.
"This is the deep mud. Let's see how deep it is!" Without a moment's hesitation, Abigail set one foot on the mud. Her right leg quickly plunged up to the knee. She soon followed with her left leg.
"This is thick! But I feel no indication of a bottom to the mud," said Abigail. She felt the mud slowly climbing up her waders, enjoying the feeling of the mud pressing on her legs. Then, Emma stepped in next to her. She quickly sank to the same depth as Abigail, before she was able to slow herself down.
"You're right, this does feel kind of odd! I feel like the mud's giving me a hug!" she commented.
"It'll probably be even more so when you're up to your shoulders in it!" responded Abigail, a hint of playfulness in her voice.
The two sisters sank side by side for a few minutes. Soon, the mud was up to a few inches below their breasts.
"Imagine if we could float in the mud with our breasts!" commented Abigail. "After all, the community authors sure like to make it happen!"
"Yeah..."
Suddenly, the mud rumbled a bit, and a large quantity of gas bubbles up through the mud around the girls' waders.
"I think we reached some sort of collection of bog gas..." said Emma.
"Yeah, but you know what? That gas stinks! I might as well be in a tank full of cow shit!" replied Abigail, a hint of disgust in her voice.
"Ugh, don't make me remember that..."
"Ok, I won't."
Abigail and Emma stayed quiet for a moment or two, listening to the bog bubbling. The mud was applying way more pressure on the girls now that they were deeper into its grip.
"Isn't it a bit hard you for you to breathe with this much mud pressing on you?" asked Abigail.
"Yeah..." answered Emma.
I want to sink all the way under... But I don't know if that would get me killed... thought Abigail.
"I'm getting kind of bored. I wish some action was happening!" she said. Abigail put her hands on solid ground and pushed, trying to get herself out, but she didn't budge. The mud held her firmly in place - in fact, she seemed to be sinking deeper!
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