The Lost City of Dartmoon Swamp

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101927700
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The Lost City of Dartmoon Swamp

Postby 101927700 » Fri Oct 16, 2015 2:50 pm

The Lost City of Dartmoon Swamp

"Is this thing on? Good. Hi everyone, Breanna Grennich here, and tonight, I'm going to uncover the lost town of Dartmoon Swamp. Now, many people have disappeared here before, trying to uncover the town which was buried by a landslide a century ago, but I'm going to be the first to leave the swamp with an artifact from the old town! As you can see, I'm readily prepared for any mud I may encounter, I bought the chest waders specifically for this." Breanna then turned off the camcorder and started her expedition. Immediately she found the going would not be easy, as she sank knee deep in mud. Ok, ok, that's what the waders are for. It gripped at her legs, the dark brown morass trying its best to keep her from moving through its thickness, but Breanna powered on.

A thinner area of mud... Maybe I've found the old well of the town? Breanna thought to herself as she came upon a treeless area in the swamp. She was glad she had a headlamp, not a normal flashlight. It was harder going now, as the mud had crawled up to Breanna's thighs. Then, towards the center of the clearing, Breanna felt the bottom of the mud drop away from her. She had to fight to maintain her balance in reaction to the sudden stop. She could feel herself slowly sinking.

"Well, I feel like I've found the site of the old town... The time is currently... 10:36 PM. However, I seem to have run into a predicament. You see, the mud here seems to be a bit deeper, and you might be able to see, if I zoom in... I'm slowly sinking. So, uh... Yeah." Breanna tried leaning left, then right, to try to release the suction on herself, but it only got her waders slightly muddier. She moved her legs around to the extent that she could, and felt a hard narrow surface between them. A wall maybe? Breanna thought. Assuming it was a wall, Breanna relaxed and restarted the camera.

"Well, I feel some solid narrow object between my legs, and I feel like it might just be a wall of an old building! I might've just become the greatest archaeologist in the country!" Breanna said. Stopping the recording, she took a moment to look around. The supermoon was providing light for her recordings, and Orion and the Dippers hung in the sky overhead. I never knew Pennsylvania could be so beautiful...

Breanna had spaced out for five minutes just looking at the scenery, and when she "woke up", she found the mud was up to her waist. Between her legs she could definitely feel the texture of a rock wall. "Ok, I have definitely found a building! This stuff in the mud feels like a rock wall! Now to actually get an artifact of the town..." Breanna reached down into the mud and felt the rock wall with her hand. She felt something, and when she pulled it out of the mud, it turned out to be an old wooden car wheel which had somehow floated up to the top of the wall. "Ok people, look what I've found, oh yeah! That's right! An old car wheel! Officially confirmed the town to be found! Now if I can get back home to Altoona and show, like, the museum or something, everyone will come here!"

Breanna's phone rang. "Hi." "Breanna! How's it going with the old search for the town?" "Going great, Tirah. I've found the site of the old town, but there's a slight problem." "What?" "Well, I'm right over the site of an old building, but the thing is, there's really deep mud here. In fact, the mud is just past my waist!" "Oh wow! I'll come and help." "That would be great." "Where are you?" "North end of Dartmoon Road. You'll see my car parked there. Follow the footprints in the mud." "Ok, thanks. Bye."

A few minutes later, a figure dressed similarly to Breanna entered the clearing. "Hey Breanna!" Breanna jumped. "Geez, Tirah! You nearly made me shit myself!" "Sorry about the scare." Tirah came up right next to Breanna. "You're in deep trouble, I see." "Deep is an understatement. I feel like this mud is trying to swallow me whole! But look what I've found. An old car wheel!" Breanna handed the wheel to Tirah. "Ok, now that the wheel is in safe hands, or at least hands not in imminent danger, I'm going to film again." Breanna put the camera back on. "Hey everyone, I'm back, and my friend, Tirah, has come to pick up the wheel for me and help me out of this mud. Just so you know."

Tirah followed her bootprints back to the car. She put the wheel in the car's trunk. Then she returned to Breanna. "...oh, and there she is now, returning to help me escape this mud." "Alright, as you may have realized, I'm back. Now let's get you out of this mud..."

Breanna felt that the top of the wall was holding her up, right between the legs. The mud was at the rim of her waders. "First off, I brought you a life jacket just in case this happened," said Tirah. Breanna put the life jacket on, raising her about 6 inches. "Now what?" "Now, kick out with your legs, like you're swimming." Breanna did as Tirah told her, and raised herself back to her waist. "Then, uh.... Grab my hands!" They both strained as Breanna slowly got back up to a safe depth. Her waders were covered in mud on the outside, but to Breanna's enjoyment, not on the inside... though considering she was in a swamp, she wasn't really expecting to escape with just her waders muddy.

The two girls slogged through the swamp, pushing against the mud with all their force. Once they left the clearing, the mud gradually got shallower and easier to move in, until eventually, the two had escaped the swamp and were on solid ground, even possessing a wheel and a video to show they had been there. Breanna and Tirah took their waders off, and drove home.

The next morning, they met up and took the muddy wooden car wheel to the local museum, where it was washed off to reveal an inscription: "This car belongs to the Mayor of Dartmoon, Edward Halfmoon, built circa 1914 by Ford Motor Company." "Well, Breanna, looks like we've found the lost city. We're about to become famous! We're going to have documentaries, news interviews, known internationally! We only had to endure, what, 3 hours of mud!" "And my waders nearly flooded, which probably would've killed me." "Speaking of which... Maybe we cold go back to try and uncover more?" "No... We'll leave that to the archaeologists." "But we ARE archaeologists! We've discovered an entire town, for crying out loud!" "Well then we'll just return on the official excavation, not some personal adventure." "Sounds like a plan."

This story was inspired by two things.
1: The ending to Life is Strange episode 4, where the two main characters, ***SPOILER ALERT*** go to a dark place at night to uncover a mystery.
2: Feedback from Viridian on one of my unreleased stories:
... Try to build something different, unique, or even just inspired by something else. Try romance, or action, or mystery...
That last one is what inspired this.

Anyways, this was written on my phone because going places, so if it seems short, that's why. Thanks for reading, 101927700.
I’m not the person I was in 2016.
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Viridian
Posts: 1587
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 10:03 am

Re: The Lost City of Dartmoon Swamp

Postby Viridian » Sat Oct 17, 2015 3:48 pm

This is a huge improvement. The most obvious difference is the length and development of a structured story. You're starting to add some complexity by giving your characters a purpose in being in your setting, and you're starting to make use of a central conflict (albeit simple and arbitrary). The idea of using a buried town as a setting to get your characters into a quicksand scenario was a good one. The next step is to keep on building more complex devices - a compound conflict, more engaging interaction between your characters, more character depths and development, and different ways to approach the sinking subject.
Viridian @ deviantART: http://viridianqs.deviantart.com/

Jon Smith
Posts: 224
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:56 am
Location: Stuck armpit deep in a sucking mire

Re: The Lost City of Dartmoon Swamp

Postby Jon Smith » Tue Oct 20, 2015 6:09 am

I really liked this story :) Great job.


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