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[stevensh12]

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[stevensh12]

I think these pictures show what the characters may look like

[DJlurker]

An OK effort, but you should try being a little more descriptive with the sinking scenes. I like the picture you picked out for the Maiden, though- That is kinda what she looks like in my mind's eye, save the wardrobe (though if she were a Japanese ghost, she'd probably wear that, sans the teddy bear pin )

[stevensh12]

Thanks for the feedback I thought you would like the picture at least now should you make another story you have permission to use Jessica the vampire as a character

[AnonymousQuote]

A fun little scene! I'll second what DJlurker said:

you should try being a little more descriptive with the sinking scenes.

Definitely add some length to the scenes! There's surprisingly a lot a character can do while they sink, especially if it doesn't end right away. For instance in this scene, you could add some more interaction between Jessica and the maiden as they slowly sink deeper, touching evolving to kissing, etc... As it stands right now, the under-mud kiss feels a little abrupt (although it is a nice moment). Also, add some plot! How did Jessica get into the forest? Why does the maiden go after her? Etc.
Otherwise, a nice little Halloween read! With some polish, this can become something really good!

[stevensh12]

Thank you I'll note that for next time

[stevensh12]

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[DJlurker]

This is a little better, but it seems like you literally ripped some lines out of my original story. That's bordering on plagiarism , but I will give you the benefit of the doubt this time. Try to be more original in your descriptions next time, please.

[stevensh12]

This is a little better, but it seems like you literally ripped some lines out of my original story. That's bordering on plagiarism , but I will give you the benefit of the doubt this time. Try to be more original in your descriptions next time, please.

Ok I will be more careful should I do any more stories