The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Put fingers to keyboard and make your fantasies come to life!
User avatar
AnonymousQuote
Posts: 110
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:43 am

The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby AnonymousQuote » Wed Mar 01, 2017 9:19 am

I liked what I came up with the first time I wrote this, but things weren't quite right. After reading my older stories and considering what I enjoyed most about them, I revised this story with the feeling that it had more potential.
Hopefully that's true and I've revealed a better story.

Did I manage to create an objectively 'better' story? Please, let me know -- critiques on my writing are always welcome!
~~~~~~~~~~
All characters are 18+ regardless of original depictions.

The Bog of Amur
A revised story by AnonymousQuote

The village of Amur was a peaceful, coastal hamlet, a moderately large collection of stone buildings with red slate roofs interspersed by a crisscrossing network of thin canals that were filled by the tides.

As of now, these canals were empty. The tide had been out since mid-morning, and the bright sunlight had dried the bottoms of the canals to the bone. With the exit of the tide, a grate within the canals at the center of the village had become accessible, and it was here that a small crowd now gathered.

At the center of the crowd, Refia sat on the edge of a stone bridge across the canal, watching three young men prepare to enter the revealed gateway. They were her travelling companions, friends from long before they had set out on their journey together. The trio was checking and re-checking their gear, buckles and clasps clicking amid the general murmur of conversation.

Luneth hailed from a small village not even a day's walk from Refia's home, his unusual grey hair the result of a rather unfortunate blacksmithing accident. Ingus, formerly an apprentice guardsman to the king, had retired in order to travel with the group. He still wore the bulky armor of his old office, though. Arc was the mage of the bunch. Bookish and quiet for as long as Refia had known him, Arc now stood with the other two, his regal black robes signifying his proficiency in destructive magics.

The village elder called out from the edge of the crowd, breaking Refia from her reverie. "You three be careful down there," he croaked. Ingus, Luneth and Arc nodded resolutely in response, turning towards the grate. Luneth hefted a blazing torch and the three ducked into the sewers of Amur, trading jibes and well-mannered insults. As the flickering glow from the torch started to fade, the people around the canal began to disperse.

Before the light from the torch disappeared completely, Luneth's voice echoed out from the tunnel. "Hey, Refia! It's not so bad down here!" There was a short splash, followed by what sounded like Ingus snickering. "You should really join us!" The people who still remained chuckled, and Refia blushed. They probably found a toad, she thought. The group had been in Amur for a few months, which was plenty of time for the hamlet to learn of Refia's uncharacteristic fear of the amphibious creatures.

It's not my fault they're gross, Refia grumbled inwardly as she stood. Their huge eyes, their tongues, the slime... She shuddered, goosebumps crawling on her skin. Despite being a nearly-grown woman, Refia still harbored an old fear of toads from an infestation of the creatures in her village nearly twelve years ago.

As Refia made her way back to the inn where they were staying, she reveled in the warm, early-autumn sunlight. The day's weather was uncharacteristic of the season, her red-blonde hair tousled slightly by a calm breeze that blew in from the sea. She dressed in a flowy, white cotton blouse that kicked out into a short skirt at the hem, a long blue vest fastened by a golden brooch draped over her shoulders. Skin-tight black leggings ran from underneath her skirt down into the tops of her supple, leather thigh boots, folded over at the top.

Even dressed so modestly, Refia still cut quite a figure. Slender and toned from their travels abroad, her modestly curvy form caught the gaze of men wherever they went and left many a woman jealous. The simple steel dagger at her belt was enough to deter those who would have otherwise come too close -- its mere presence coupled with a confident sway in her step belied a level of experience far beyond that which her youthful appearance would imply.

The door to the inn swung open on well-oiled hinges, and Refia blinked as her eyes adjusted to the relatively dim light. The inn's main room was spacious, round tables interspersed throughout the space, dark oaken columns stretching from floor to ceiling. The bartender smiled slightly at her, pausing his cleaning long enough to point to the opposite end of the room. "A gentleman's asked me to point you in his direction, Refia." He must have seen her hesitation, because he sighed and continued. "He's as upright as men come, Refia. He's even had the decency to buy you a drink -- humor him just the once, okay?"

Slightly more at ease, Refia peered across the room to where the bartender had pointed. A man in a flamboyant green hat with a feather sticking out of it raised his hand in greeting, gesturing to the chair opposite him. Begrudgingly, Refia seated herself across from him, the man watching her intently. A small glass was sitting in front of her, filled with what appeared to be some variation on ale.

"It's Amur's finest." The man's voice was a smooth tenor. "A special brew made right here in town." He paused. "I didn't drug it, if that's what you're thinking." He looked to the barkeep, who, in turn, looked again at Refia and nodded. I might as well try it, Refia considered, taking a small sip from the glass. It was indeed ale, the taste uncharacteristically smooth. She emptied the glass, setting it on the table in front of her.

The green-hatted man nodded. "It's good, is it not?" He bent over, reaching into a leather bag sitting at his feet. "The ale aside, I have a bit of information for you." Refia leaned forwards, suddenly interested. The man straightened again, placing a square sheet of folded paper on the table. "Your friends are on a bit of a wild goose chase," he said as he unfolded the paper, now clearly a map. "You can reach the mayor's estate without whatever shoes the elder mentioned." He pointed to an area on the map. As he did so, he bumped a mostly empty glass sitting on the table next to him, causing it to spill its dark contents directly across where he was pointing.

"Damn..!" The man frantically tried to rub the blot out, only managing to blur the stain and dye the cuffs of his shirt dark brown. He frowned. "Regardless." He drew a line on the map with his finger, passing directly over the stain. "It's a straight shot south from Amur to the manor, about two hours walk." He met Refia's eyes. "You can make it by sundown, and reclaim your airship before the day is through. In fact, you'll probably beat your friends out of the sewers. "

Refia's eyes widened. What? The mayor is keeping our ship from us? If I could get it back... She had only heard of the mayor up to this point. He was supposed to be a belligerent, greedy fellow, hell-bent on keeping Amur as perfect as possible. The night that they had arrived, their airship had disappeared without a trace. The mayor must have removed it because he thought we were here to disturb the peace, Refia thought.

The man folded the map, storing it back in his bag. "Like I said, you have to hurry to get there before the sun sets. I'd get going if I was you."

Refia quickly stood, nearly knocking over her chair. "Thanks for the information! I appreciate it. I'm sure that Luneth will as well, once he sees our airship again." The man nodded, remaining seated. "Just head straight out the gate, and walk until you see the manor. Good luck."

Smirking, the man shook his head as Refia exited the inn. Everything had gone according to plan.

~~~~~

The cobblestones of the town shifted gradually to short, clipped grass, and then finally waist-high, golden field wheat as Refia made her way out of Amur. A forest loomed in the distance, beyond which lay the mayor's estate, based on what the man had told her. A quick glance at the sun revealed that the man had drastically overestimated the time. I'll arrive well before sundown! Brimming with confidence, Refia quickly crossed the field.

As she grew closer to the forest, Refia realised that it was far denser than she had originally guessed--there was only one visible trail. A tangled net of dark, crooked branches cast dark shadows down to the forest floor, lending the whole place a rather foreboding air. To add to the effect, tangled brambles crowded the forest floor, grasping thorns reaching out to tear at the clothes of unwary passers-by. Not that anyone would go through here normally, Refia remarked inwardly as she entered the dense wood.

~~~~~

Contrary to what the man had told Refia, Luneth, Arc, and Ingus were quick to finish their journey into the sewers. The sun was still a solid hour from setting when the trio finally stepped back into the canal, each of them covered in some degree of vile sludge.

Climbing from the canal, Luneth flopped onto the cobblestones. "I certainly hope these levitation shoes are worth it." He sniffed the sleeve of his tunic, and gagged. "We've certainly earned them."

Arc nodded. "We can meet Refia back at the inn and give her a pair of the shoes, as well as freshen up before we go to meet the mayor." He glanced at his damp robes. "Gods know we need it."

People steered well clear of the trio as they walked back to the inn, the foul odor clinging to their clothes. The inn was crowded when they arrived, the bartender not giving the adventurers a second look as he rushed around behind the bar. There wasn't any sign of Reifa, but Luneth betrayed no outward worry.

They gave themselves plenty of time to prepare for the next leg of their journey, each of them quietly hoping that Refia hadn't gotten herself into trouble. As the afternoon dragged into the evening, Luneth finally approached the bartender, who smiled as he came forward. "Are you looking for Refia? I haven't seen her since she left earlier today. She was headed to the mayor's estate, if I recall correctly..." He paused, noting that Luneth had become very pale. "Are you all right? Is something wrong?"

"She shouldn't have... The bog... She won't..." Luneth's head swam. Against all possible logic, Refia had ventured onwards without them, despite what the elder had told them about the impassable bog that lay between Amur and the manor, the exclusive reason that they had retrieved the levitation shoes -- they were critical to ensuring that the wearer didn't meet a muddy grave. Leaving the bartender, Luneth bolted upstairs to their room. Arc and Ingus were both half-dressed, bits of armor and equipment strewn across the space. "We need to go. Now."

The urgency in Luneth's voice was enough to spur Arc and Ingus to action. They had been together long enough to understand when things were going south. Arc threw his tall yellow hat onto his head. "I take it Refia has left Amur?"

Luneth scowled. "She did, and she has almost a three-hour head start on us. I don't know if we'll reach her before she reaches the bog."

Buckling his chestplate into place, Ingus stood, his platemail clattering. "We must have faith in her. Perhaps she will make the prudent decision and return."

Somehow, each of them knew that the likelihood of headstrong Refia changing her course was slim to none.

The door to the inn slammed open and the trio burst into the street. Arc glanced about wildly, his gaze finally alighting on a group of five horses tied outside the inn, watched over by a young stable boy. "There," Arc stated. "We'll have to ride to catch her." Hurriedly, each of them mounted a horse, the stunned stable hand unable to do anything but watch, mouth agape.

Before they rode off, Ingus flipped the stable boy a gold coin. "The horses will be returned." With that, the trio spurred their mounts to a gallop and charged from the front gate, headed south.

~~~~~

The path was blocked. A huge wall of brambles stretched across the path in front of Refia, extending far into the woods on either side. Not easily deterred, Refia examined the wall, looking for any way that she could slip through. Ah hah! A thin sliver of light shone through the wall, revealing a crack that was just wide enough for one person to squeeze through, sideways.

Stepping into the thick brambles, Refia shuffled carefully through the tangled net of thorns. Just as she was about to reach the other side, Refia felt a small weight on her right foot. It started to move upwards, clinging to the side of her boot. Refia froze, her heart hammering in her chest. She dared to glance downwards, only to be rewarded with the beady-eyed gaze of an enormous toad, clinging to the top of her boot.

Refia shrieked, her gut clenching in fear. She dove through the rest of the brambles, miraculously avoiding the thorns. The toad flew into the brush, releasing a startled croak.

Unfortunately, exiting the forest through the bramble wall led straight down a steep embankment. It was this embankment that Refia found herself sliding down, before landing with a muted squish on the muddy, grassy carpet of a vast bog. A thin veil of mist hung over the landscape, dimming the orange twilight. Refia stood shakily, the unstable patch of grass that she was standing on threatening to break apart at any moment.

The lights of the mayor's estate were visible in the distance, obscured slightly by the mist. It's so close now! We'll have our airship back in no time. The damp bog grass cared little for Refia's newfound determination, her stride quickly breaking through the fragile covering. Undeterred, Refia extracted her feet from the bog's grip, setting out again for the distant mansion.

This process repeated itself for some time, the grass folding beneath Refia's weight and pulling her feet in, before she inevitably extracted herself. The bog protested mightily each time, though, the suction on her boots gradually sapping at her strength.

Eventually, Refia slumped to the ground, completely out of breath. This is harder than I expected... She looked again to the mansion's lights. I'm only halfway there! Refia sighed, raising herself to a kneeling position. She didn't have time to waste--the sun was close to setting.

There would be yet another setback, however. The wide clump of grass that Refia had chosen to sit on was particularly unstable -- the underside had rotted away long ago, leaving little more than a thin mat of grass. This mat bowed beneath Refia's weight, cracks gradually appearing in its surface as she recovered. Finally, it gave way, dropping the kneeling girl into the thick, peaty mud below it. The grassy mat abruptly sank into the mud, completely erasing any evidence that there had been any grass to begin with.

What in the world?! Refia surged from her knees, only to watch as the thick mud folded over the tops of her feet with a thick slurp. Reaching down, Refia pulled up on her right leg, trying to free her foot from the mud. Rather than let her go, the suction seemed to increase, driving her left foot deeper and leaving her right foot stuck. Every time she seemed to make progress, one leg coming free, the other only sank deeper. The mud simply jiggled in response to her baffled struggles, glad to pull her farther into its bottomless embrace.

When she finally abandoned this tactic, Refia's knees were pinned together by the mire's grip. A pit was forming slowly around her legs, her body weight alone being enough to push her deeper. The morass bubbled and hissed sickly as Refia continued to sink, only the tops of her boots visible above the mud.

Refia could feel her toes gradually pointing more and more downwards into the quicksand's depths, the thick slurry shifting and bubbling against her slender legs, drawing her further into its hold. A shudder ran down Refia's spine at the disconcerting feeling of mud sliding over the tops of her boots, squishing against her legs and quickening her descent.

This is ridiculous, Refia thought as she leaned backwards, placing her hands on the mud's surface, looking for the leverage to raise even one of her legs. Quicksand is for children's stories, not real life. As if to counter this sentiment, the mud pulled her arms in past her forearms, leaving her lying almost supine on the thick quicksand's surface. With great difficulty, Refia managed to extract her arms, the mud protesting with loud sucking noises.

Her hips settled into the mire, the flowy bottom of her blouse and and vest spreading across the mud's surface. Refia squirmed against the thick mud, attempting to alleviate the exquisitely uncomfortable feeling of the cold sludge pressing on the skin beneath her blouse. Any attempt to move her legs was met with firm resistance, the bog quivering as it absorbed her movements, slapping wetly against her navel.

The quicksand wasted no time encircling her slender waist, caressing every submerged inch of her nubile body and gripping her even tighter as she sank deeper into the quaking, bottomless bog. It almost feels alive... Like it's moving... The feeling was sickening, the wet, slimy mire relentless in swallowing more of its beautiful prey.

After several more attempts to push herself free, attempts that only resulted in coating her arms with a thick layer of dark brown mud, Refia turned her attention to the mansion at the end of the bog, swallowing her pride.

"Help! I'm sinking in quicksand!" Gods, that sounds so silly, Refia thought as her cry echoed dully across the bog. Even still, I hope someone can hear it. She glanced down at her rapidly disappearing torso. I'm really stuck. Just as she was about to call out again, the mist cleared for a moment, revealing the mansion in all of its glory. The front door was open, and someone was standing in the doorway.

Her hopes soared. "Hey! Over here!" Refia waved her arms above her head, the mud rippling slightly with the movement.

A moment of stony silence followed her call before a response echoed from the mansion. "What is your purpose in coming here?"

"I've come to reclaim our airship. I heard--" Refia's explanation was cut short when the front door to the mansion slammed shut, followed quickly by all of the lights extinguishing at once. "What?" Refia was incredulous. "Hey! I need help!" She stared disbelievingly at the mansion, struggling to keep from sinking any deeper. Her arms only slipped beneath the surface again and again, her twisting and squirming digging her farther into the quicksand.

"I know you can hear me!" Refia shouted, her voice a little hoarse. "I'm sinking in the bog!" Her latest cry was greeted with the feeling of her breasts being cupped by the mud, the cold mire hardening her nipples and drawing a sharp gasp from the trapped damsel. Refia's eyes went wide, the immediacy of her situation quickly becoming apparent.

Refia's final attempt to push herself free of the mud left her arms trapped firmly at her sides, completely at the mercy of the mud's inexorable pull. "Please!" Refia glanced around. "I'll do anything! I'm going to sink under!" The outline of her breasts in the mud slowly vanished as she sank deeper, the thick morass creeping up her chest. The tops of her shoulders were the only indication that she was still struggling beneath the surface, twisting her body in a valiant, if futile, attempt to break the mud's hold.

The mud pressed in on her chest as her shoulders finally sank beneath the surface, the weight of the bog pressing in on her and making it difficult to breathe, let alone cry for help. "Please..." Refia gasped, a sharp sob shaking her submerged body. "I'm going to drown in this... this.. quicksand!" She sank even deeper, her neck disappearing into the mud. Her shining, red-blonde hair pooled on the mud's surface, contrasting starkly with the deep brown of the mire.

Suddenly, from the distance, Luneth's voice rang out. "Refia! We're coming! Where are you?!"

Her eyes went wide. "Luneth!" She shouted. "I'm he--" Refia's cry was cut off as the mud covered her mouth, reducing her sentence to an ineffective whimper. She struggled to raise her head even one inch from the surface, to signal her companions, but the morass had other ideas. It spat out a bubble, spattering her pretty features with thick gobs of mud, as if claiming her as its own.

The bog sucked her down, first muting the outside world as her ears sank beneath the surface, and then depriving her of air as her nose sank. Gradually, the soft, thick mud rolled in to cover her view, reducing the outside world to a pinprick, and then erasing it altogether.

Refia hung in the perfect silence of the quicksand's soft embrace, the warm mud holding her with immense pressure, gradually squeezing her last breath from her lungs. Eventually, the pressure was too much. Refia released her held breath, bubbles wriggling slowly to the surface and popping thickly around the spot where her hair had finally been dragged beneath the surface.

Luneth, I'm sorry... Refia thought as her lungs screamed for air. I should have... Finally succumbing to her need to breathe, the thick mud pushed past her lips, and Refia blacked out, limp, deep beneath the mud.

end.
Last edited by AnonymousQuote on Wed Mar 01, 2017 6:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
PM2K
Always Remembered
Posts: 10386
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:14 pm
Location: Eastern Ontario

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby PM2K » Wed Mar 01, 2017 3:05 pm

Awesome tale! :D

User avatar
SinkerCutie
Posts: 943
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 4:50 am

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby SinkerCutie » Wed Mar 01, 2017 8:17 pm

To be honest, I preferred the other version. I'm not a fan of grim sinks...

User avatar
DJlurker
Posts: 1468
Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 6:29 pm

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby DJlurker » Wed Mar 01, 2017 11:36 pm

SinkerCutie wrote:To be honest, I preferred the other version. I'm not a fan of grim sinks...

Game Over... :cry:

User avatar
Green Heart
Posts: 496
Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 4:22 pm

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby Green Heart » Thu Mar 02, 2017 1:39 am

Shes going to need a phoenix down I think. ^^

Great story!

User avatar
SinkerCutie
Posts: 943
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 4:50 am

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby SinkerCutie » Thu Mar 02, 2017 6:08 am

Green Heart wrote:Shes going to need a phoenix down I think. ^^

Great story!

Yeah...sadly, that won't work this time.

User avatar
AnonymousQuote
Posts: 110
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:43 am

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby AnonymousQuote » Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:55 pm

SinkerCutie wrote:To be honest, I preferred the other version. I'm not a fan of grim sinks...


I definitely see where you're coming from. I'm not usually a huge fan of them either, but the ending I wrote for the last version felt like a huge cop-out. It was almost too convenient for her companions to arrive at the last second and save her--realistically, she'd be in a lot more trouble, as I rewrote here.

Green Heart wrote:Shes going to need a phoenix down I think. ^^
Great story!


Glad you enjoyed it! :) Luneth and co. might have to do a little digging to use their phoenix downs, though...

User avatar
PM2K
Always Remembered
Posts: 10386
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:14 pm
Location: Eastern Ontario

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby PM2K » Thu Mar 02, 2017 9:45 pm

AnonymousQuote wrote:
SinkerCutie wrote:To be honest, I preferred the other version. I'm not a fan of grim sinks...


I definitely see where you're coming from. I'm not usually a huge fan of them either, but the ending I wrote for the last version felt like a huge cop-out. It was almost too convenient for her companions to arrive at the last second and save her--realistically, she'd be in a lot more trouble, as I rewrote here.

Green Heart wrote:Shes going to need a phoenix down I think. ^^
Great story!


Glad you enjoyed it! :) Luneth and co. might have to do a little digging to use their phoenix downs, though...


I personally love grim endings. :D Especially if: a baddie is involved, getting her just desserts; or maybe it is someone who doesn't mind such a grim fate, for whatever reason.

zac shadow
Posts: 49
Joined: Mon Jan 19, 2015 9:45 am

Re: The Bottomless Bog (Revised)

Postby zac shadow » Sat Mar 11, 2017 7:46 am

I'm going to translate it into chinese,Well,I'll label your name in the translated article,Don't worry :lol:


Return to “Stories”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests