Look Both Ways

[Lomax]

This needs a few words of explanation. About two-and-a-half years ago I wrote a deep sinking story, and got so carried away with the characters, I ended up with a monster of 18,000 words. Still, it was well-received.

The problem is that the characters became totally real to me, and I started to expand on what I'd already written, possibly with a view to turning it into a novel of sorts. This proved impractical, mainly because the ending was such a neat ending (well, I thought so) that carrying on the story seemed unsatisfactory. Nevertheless, I still had an expanded opening section approaching thirty-five thousand words. I've spent the last couple of days cutting it back, but it's still over 26,000 - and if I try to cut it any more something in me rebels.

So here it is. You have been warned.

[Viridian]

The character development was 100% sensational. I started reading the story expecting a quicksand-orientated story. To be honest, it wasn't. It's really a story about a 17-year-old engaging in a relationship with a much older woman, and quicksand happens to be part of relationship's development. In that way, the characters are quite real and excellently formed. Though a quicksand reader might be disappointed in the proportion of quicksand material compared to the rest of the plot (and again being honest, the quicksand segment is perhaps 500 words compared to the other 22,500). It was woven cleverly into the overall plot and as a novella, this was a very good read. This is a high-quality, top-level piece of erotic fiction that lures the reader into a much deeper part of the human psyche where eroticism is concerned instead of a sleazy sex story.

I think the way in which was written worked well. I've seen the perspective-switch technique work well if there's enough dependency on each character to maintain continuity. I felt it was overdone a bit in this case -- there was a lot of overlap between events when switching perspectives. While it helped make each "journal entry" more complete, it wasn't necessary to progress the plot or develop the character, and it made it repetitive to read at times. I felt that chopping out the first couple of paragraphs of each character switch would have improved the flow without compromising the depth.

I wasn't too fond of the ending. While I liked where it ended, I felt it wasn't necessary to switch perspectives with each paragraph despite the intensity of the scene.

All-in-all, I'm highly impressed by this piece. Personally, it's the sort of story I'd like to write but have been reluctant to because i anticipate low readership for this kind of product. I found this one more intellectually stimulating rather than appealing to my quicksand side.

[Quicksand_Hex]

Wow, that was amazing. I really enjoyed the characters, and by the time it was over, I felt like they were actually real people. I've read a lot of stories since I joined the quicksand community, but I can honestly say that this was the most enjoyable read, and most of it wasn't actually quicksand related.

I was only disappointed with one thing. The story ended! I demand a sequel!

[Lomax]

Thank-you for that. I have long held that you are the most perceptive critic I know.

I started reading the story expecting a quicksand-orientated story. To be honest, it wasn't....a quicksand reader might be disappointed in the proportion of quicksand material compared to the rest of the plot.

Well, yes. I always maintain that I don't write Deep Sinking stories; I write stories with Deep Sinking in them. For me, the story is by far the most important part; and the most important part of the story is character development. Now, there have been DS writers (no names, no packdrill) for whom character development is limited to revealing that the central role is filled by someone who is blonde, eighteen, and the possessor of stupendous breasts; before they launch into a sexual fantasy. I wouldn't like to write such a story. I need to know about the characters who are doing the sinking, so that I care about their fate.

However, I accept that I may have overdone it this time.

I've seen the perspective-switch technique work well if there's enough dependency on each character to maintain continuity. I felt it was overdone a bit in this case -- there was a lot of overlap between events when switching perspectives....I felt that chopping out the first couple of paragraphs of each character switch would have improved the flow without compromising the depth.

I had two main inspirations for this piece. One was Obi-wan Kenobi: "Often what is true depends on your point of view."
The other was the novel Talking it Over by Julian Barnes (which has three first-person narrators). The idea was to have the same event remembered/interpreted by the two characters in a slightly different way. Again, I may have overdone it.

I wasn't too fond of the ending. While I liked where it ended, I felt it wasn't necessary to switch perspectives with each paragraph despite the intensity of the scene.

When I said I liked the ending, I was referring to the fact that both the first and the last sentences of the piece referred to custard, which struck me as pleasingly circular. As for the frequency of the perspective switches, this was a very conscious desicion on my part - a literary device, if I may be forgiven the pretension. Whilst, as ever, I respect and value your point of view, I disagree with you here.

I found this one more intellectually stimulating rather than appealing to my quicksand side.

My ambition is to produce a story that does both. It seems the quest must continue.

[Viridian]

*thumbs up*

I'd just like to add that what I said above isn't necessary a negative view of your work. I really enjoyed reading it and it was mostly well-written. I just highlighted a few things that I might have done differently if I attempted a similar project. It's something you should feel proud about, and if not, then certainly strive for higher

[klib21]

I remember reading this a while ago, and it definitely stuck out. I totally love it.

[Lomax]

I demand a sequel.

Demand, huh?

I'm ambivalent of the subject of sequels. I know that I've been asked to write sequels to at least three of my stories; but I find that a problem. Taking one element from a story - the characters - and using them as a basis for another story is one thing. But this is supposed to be a Deep Sinking site. Which means that a sequel not only has to include the same characters, but also to include the same plot element - at which point it's hard not to end up writing the same story.

Hard, but not necessarily impossible. I've managed it once (Bar's Game, Bar's Match) by introducing a new element (a new character); but that's not always possible.

However. Anne and Lee have become real people for me. I swear I would recognise them if they walked down the street. I also have a lot of written material about them - including a passage on the philosophy of bondage. I like this material, and would like to be able to use it some way. So; I've been thinking about how to combine this with a sinking scene, without simply re-hashing what has gone before.

And the answer is maybe. But it will be one of my long-story-with-a-sinking-scene-in-it-somewhere.

Do you want to see this?

[muddevil]

However. Anne and Lee have become real people for me. I swear I would recognise them if they walked down the street. I also have a lot of written material about them - including a passage on the philosophy of bondage. I like this material, and would like to be able to use it some way. So; I've been thinking about how to combine this with a sinking scene, without simply re-hashing what has gone before.

And the answer is maybe. But it will be one of my long-story-with-a-sinking-scene-in-it-somewhere.

Do you want to see this?

I think it is time for one of my rare de-lurks here...

I was quite remiss for not posting my praise for your story sooner. Typically, when I get time to read a posted story, there have already numerous positive comments submitted. I seldom chime in, thinking I'd only sound like an echo... a "me too" sort.

I very much enjoyed the development of the characters as well as the storyline leading up to the sink. I definitely would have enjoyed this story tremendously, even without any sinking. I don't have the literary background to provide technical feedback, but I do know that the well developed characters in your stories always make the whole "mental playback" of the scene seem complete, and Anne and Lee are no exceptions.

I, for one, would absolutely love to read any of the other material you mentioned, even before you found a way to "combine this with a sinking scene". I realize that without the sinking scene, your other writings would be off topic for this forum, but I hope you would consider sharing these other stories/passages in some way. I especially would be interested in the 'philosophy of bondage" discussion you mentioned, as that is another interest of mine.

So, in short, I would definitely want to see a "long-story-with-a-sinking-scene-in-it-somewhere", even without the sinking-scene-in-it-somewhere.

And thank you very much for all the writings you've shared.

[riguy]

The quality of your writing transcends the norm here. It's worth the investment of time to get this good read. Thanks.

[quagmire_uk]

Absolutely fantastic read. I enjoyed all of it. I certainly wasn't thinking "hurry up and get to the quicksand", as all parts of the story were very entertaining. I suppose the sexual parts were the most entertaining, but the reason they were so entertaining is that you had fully developed the characters and given then a proper relationship. So you get full marks as a fiction writer, full marks as an erotic fiction writer, and full marks as an erotic quicksand writer. This means you get a score of 300%

And for me, this story was both intellectually stimulating and appealing to my quicksand side, you succeeded, you succeeded very much indeed.