Plane crash (Humor)

[Sparky81]

Plan Crash (Humor)
This was an attempt at writing something funny. You be the judge.


“Hey! Lance!!! Where are you!?” This was the third time Lance fell behind. Trapped on a small unknown tropical island wasn’t Steve’s idea of his vacation. Besides that he was stuck with Einstein. Well, that’s what he called his ditzy partner. Some young women he had didn’t know just a few hours ago. Now they were making their way through the island to reach the beach.

Their small plane had crashed landed with 30 or so people aboard. No serious injuries which was miracle and a testament to the pilot’s quick thinking and extraordinary aviation skills. The captain assured everyone that the homing beacon built in to the plane went off the minute they dropped off the radar. Help would arrive soon. Some passengers suggested heading out toward the water to signal a plane or ship searching for them. The captain advised against it.

Steve, Lance, Peggy, and Einstein (Alexis) took a chance and started for the shore. Peggy was about 40 and heavyset. She taught history at a small university. The heat and her weight slowed her down. Lance stayed with her while Steve and Alexis hurried ahead. Steve was concerned about Steve and not much else. He was in his early 30’s and already made tons of money trading stocks. Alexis was ditzy to say the least. But what she lacked in intelligence she more than made up for in beauty which wasn’t lost on Steve. Her tight toned body and curves made men drool. If she just didn’t have to speak. Once she opened her mouth, it was hard to ignore the fact she was dumb as a rock.

“Where the hell are they?” Steve grew more and more inpatient waiting for Lance and Peggy to catch up. “I wish they would hurry, I need a drink.” Steve handed her a bottle of water which he brought form the plane. “No, no, I meant a real drink. You know the kind with alcohol in it.” Steve looked puzzled. “At the bar? On the beach, duh…where we are going?” Steve stared at her for few seconds. “You can’t really believe there is a bar on this island?” Steve said it laughingly as he thought she was joking. “Will you buy me a drink? I lost my wallet in the crash.” Steve turned away and muttered under his breath, “She can’t be this fucking stupid.” Raising his voice, it’s a good thing you have that body Einstein.” Alexis smiled, “Thank you.” Steve just shook his head. “By the way, who is Einstein?”

“Steve! Lance was heading towards the two of them. Steve threw his hands up “Where have you been? And where is Peggy?” Lance bent over and rested his hands on his knees. “Peggy had to rest. The heat is killing her.” Steve was enraged, “You mean her fat ass is killing her!” Peggy was shaped like a bell. She carried her weight below her waist. Lance straightened up “Come on man, give her break. She is out of shape for this type of thing. We are all in this together.” Steve would have none of it. “What use will she be if we are stuck here? She can’t do anything physical and will only use up what little food and water we might find. I say leave her. The three of us can make it easily to shore.” Alexis chimed in “hey it’s just like that old movie, “Tug Boat.” Lance and Steve looked her for a few seconds. “Don’t….” Steve was trying to stop Lance from asking what she meant. “What movie?” Too late, Lance asked before Steve could stop him. “You’re gonna regret that, trust me.” Steve covered his eyes with his hands. “The movie, the movie, where the Captain is out at sea with a bunch of people on a small boat? He has to order people out of the boat to save the rest?” Lance thought for a minute. “You mean “Lifeboat?” Alexis threw her hands up, “Yes! That’s it!” Lance began to point out that wasn’t the movie she was thinking of when Steve interrupted. “Stop, stop, Einstein is clueless. I tried to stop you.” Alexis put her hands on her hips. “Who is Einstein?” again she asked.

“Lance! Help me….” The three of them turned toward the sound. “I bet she needs a drink of water right?” Steve said sarcastically. “Help! Lance!” Lance turned and rushed quickly towards the sound of Peggy’s voice. Steve and Alexis followed right behind. Lance reached Peggy first. She had fallen into dark, watery mud.

Steve and Alexis arrived and stood next to Lance. “Hey! A mud bath! I bet that will do wonders for my skin!” Alexis took a step towards Peggy to join her. Steve grabbed her arm “It’s quicksand you imbecile!” Alexis just stared at the mud. “Still would help my skin.” She said quietly.

Help me! I’m sinking!” Peggy twisted and turned in the dark mud. “Don’t move it will make it worse. Stay calm, I will get you out of there.” Lance turned to find something to help Peggy when Steve stopped him. “Wait, wait, and listen to me. This is our chance. Let the quicksand take fat ass under. It solves our problem. We can go on without her.” Lance was dumbfounded. Steve went on. “You know I am right. She will only slow us up and be of no use to us.” While Steve and Lance were talking Alexis was staring at Peggy sinking.

“Help me! Please!” Alexis cocked her head as if she was thinking of a way to help Peggy. “Do you think your skin feels softer? I wanted to join you but Steve won’t let me.” Peggy screamed back, “I’M DROWNING IN QUICKSAND!” Alexis folded her arms across her chest. “Well you don’t have to shout! All I wanted to know is if your skin felt softer.” Peggy pleaded with her, “Hurry, help me I’m going under.” Alexis took a deep breathe. “You know, it’s always you isn’t it. “I’m drowning, I’m going under” what about me? What about my feelings? You snapped at me for no reason. No, you can just find your own way out.”

Alexis turned away just as Steve was going to get her. “Let’s go, Lance wants to save fat ass.” The two of them left without as much as a glance back. Lance was too far away to grab Peggy. She has sunk to her shoulders and was panicking. “Lance…please help me.” She was wildly swinging her arms desperate to cling to something. “Ok Peggy I am going to use my belt.” He slipped off his belt and swung out to Peggy. “ I…I..can’t reach….” Lance stretched as far as he could. “Come on Peggy reach!” With one final lunge she managed to grab the end of the belt. Lance puller her to shore. “Thank you.” She hugged Lance and while holding him went on. “I heard what the others said, thank you for not leaving me.” They continued on slow and steady not worrying about Steve and Alexis.

Up head and hopelessly lost, Steve had just about had with his dimwitted companion. “We are fucking lost and all you are worried about is your tan!” Alexis became angry “You know I can help if you let me!” She looked around and found a small rock about the size of a potato. “Ha! You’re so smart you didn’t think of this did you!” She held the rock to her ear. Steve had to ask, “What are you doing?” Alexis still holding rock to her ear said matter-of-factly, “you don’t know that if you hold a rock to your ear you can hear the ocean? If I can hear it, we must be close. And the call me stupid.” Steve exploded “IT’S A SEA SHELL YOU FUCKING MORON! A SEA SHELL! NOT A ROCK! YOU CAN’T BE THIS STUPID! YOU CAN’T HEAR AYTHING WITH A ROCK!!” Alexis threw the rock down and stormed off.

Peggy and Lance made it all close to the shore. “Stay here and rest while I go ahead. I think the ocean is just up over that small hill.” Peggy sat on large fallen tree. Just as Lance went out of sight Peggy heard a familiar voice calling for help. “Help someone help!” It was coming off to her right. She left the tree and followed the sound.

She walked right to where the spot the sound came from. To her joy and surprise she found Steve and Alexis had fallen into quicksand themselves. When Alexis saw her she smiled, “Hey Peggy! Come in this stuff is great for your skin!” Peggy looked at Steve “I see you and Einstein found your way into the quicksand. Alexis slapped the mud, “Why does everyone keep calling me that!”

Steve was close enough to Peggy where all she had to do was reach down and help him. Steve said quietly “Listen Peggy, save me and we can make it to shore.” Peggy motioned to Alexis who was busy spreading the mud on herself. “What about Einstein?” Steve replied, “Save me first, then we can save her.” Peggy knew if she saved Steve he would let Alexis sink. “Gee Steve I don’t know. A fat ass like me? I don’ think I can help you.” He looked up at her and became angry, “Listen tons of fun you better help or....” “Or what? You will leave me behind?” He was sinking much faster than Alexis and running out of time. “Please Peggy help me.” Peggy thought for a minute, “You know what Steve, I will help you.” She smiled at him as she grabbed a small tree just behind her to anchor herself. Steve reached his hand up. Instead of reaching for his hand, Peggy stretched out her foot and placed it on top of his head. She pushed down sending Steve under. His hands gripped her massive calf as she held him under. Twisting and turning under the mud Steve tried to claw his way up but Peggy kept the pressure up. Watching his bubbles surface and feeling his grip loosen then fall away gave her immense satisfaction.

“Where did Steve go? I guess he didn’t like the mud.” What to do with Einstein. Peggy could just walk away. “Why don’t you come in Peggy’ I’m telling you this mud is wonderful!” Peggy shook her head, “Alexis you are sinking in quicksand.” Alexis stopped for a second, “I think you’re right? I think I am sinking?” Alexis looked around for a few seconds. “I bet you didn’t know I could hold my breath for a real long time. Like a long time. So if I go under, I will be ok.” Peggy was astonished how stupid she really was. “Alexis let me help you out of there.” Alexis shook her head, “Not until I show you. Watch me ok? You count and tell me how long I can stay under.” Peggy raised her voice, “Grab on to this, and never mind that, you can show me later.” She extended a small branch right in front of Alexis to grab. Just when Peggy though Alexis couldn’t do anything to top the breath holding idea, she did. Alexis pushed herself out farther so she couldn’t reach the stick. “Now you watch me!” Peggy watched helpless as Alexis went under. The mud went still for 20 seconds or so. Suddenly her hand came up out of the mud but it was too late. Alexis had pushed away too far for Peggy to help. Her hand waved as bubbles came up. Her hand went under as some small bubbles surfaced then the mud went still again. “36 seconds! Peggy shouted.”

[Weapon X]

I'm glad Peggy was the one that was saved. I have a soft spot for the chubbier women (no pun intended).