Quicksand Fans

I called someone the other day and it went to voicemail. I was about to hang up and text but before I could, I happened to hear a quite entertaining voicemail greeting. Obviously, I can’t disclose what it said, but it got me to thinking, if I could record anything I wanted on my voicemail greeting without fear of offending anyone or getting put on a watchlist, what would I say? Here’s my first idea, feel free to post your ideas.

I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you want.
But if you're a scammer looking to take my money I can tell you, I don't have money.
But what I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Skills I have acquired over a very long career.
Skills that would make me a nightmare for scammers like you.
If you never call this number again, that will be the end of it ― I will not look for you, I will not pursue you... but if you ever call me again, I will look for you, I will find you... and I will kill you.
Please leave your name and number after the beep and I will get back to you when I’m not busy. Thank you, and have a fan-bloody-tastic day.

Years ago I was working two jobs and getting through my second time in college. Sleep was rare and woe be to he who disturbed what little I got. One day my slumber was interrupted by some telemarketer. I asked where he was and it turned out to be not too far away. I then told him I was on my way to kill him and everyone in the office. No lives would be spared and the remains would be destroyed in a fire. I said it in an exhausted tone of voice that could not be mistaken for anything other than the most sincere earnest honesty. He hung up and I didn't get an unsolicited phone call again for a year.

I heard one that I wish I could use.

Duncan Edwards wrote:Years ago I was working two jobs and getting through my second time in college. Sleep was rare and woe be to he who disturbed what little I got. One day my slumber was interrupted by some telemarketer. I asked where he was and it turned out to be not too far away. I then told him I was on my way to kill him and everyone in the office. No lives would be spared and the remains would be destroyed in a fire. I said it in an exhausted tone of voice that could not be mistaken for anything other than the most sincere earnest honesty. He hung up and I didn't get an unsolicited phone call again for a year.

Aww, you probably made him piss his pants and run home screaming, never to return to his job. Great job Duncan, that was priceless!

A somewhat serious side note, I once knew a guy who lost his job during the downturn in 2008. The only job he could find for a while was telemarketing, and he hated it. Fortunately, he was able to return to his chosen profession about four years later.

I felt bad for him, however scammers and identity thieves I have less than zero sympathy for. I wish a Bryan Mills type could find them, and kill them.

Black Clay Lord wrote:I heard one that I wish I could use.

I know whatcha mean, I'd love to post the one I heard the other day

Theo wrote:

Black Clay Lord wrote:I heard one that I wish I could use.

I know whatcha mean, I'd love to post the one I heard the other day

Well this is the one I'm talking about. It goes, and I quote...

"Hello, attractive women. You've reached Strong Bad. If you're not an attractive woman, please hang up the phone. If you are an attractive woman... Please purchase a hot and some pork rinds, and invite me over. See you in your dreams."

This one. Particularly to telemarketers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enJGpuhpy3g

Duncan Edwards wrote:Years ago I was working two jobs and getting through my second time in college. Sleep was rare and woe be to he who disturbed what little I got. One day my slumber was interrupted by some telemarketer. I asked where he was and it turned out to be not too far away. I then told him I was on my way to kill him and everyone in the office. No lives would be spared and the remains would be destroyed in a fire. I said it in an exhausted tone of voice that could not be mistaken for anything other than the most sincere earnest honesty. He hung up and I didn't get an unsolicited phone call again for a year.

By the way, Duncan, from what scene is your avatar from ? It looks awesome !

When I moved into my first apartment the cable company, in a package deal kind of thing gave me a digital phone along with my TV and Broadband. They assigned me a number that I quickly learned used to belong to a guy name "Gary".

For two weeks I was getting calls from Gary's dentist about rescheduling an appointment, for some reason I just could not get through to this secretary chick (same one every time??!!!?) that this was not Gary's number anymore.

Finally I decided to get creative.
/phone rings
Me: Hello?
Her: Hi! This is So & So Dental calling! Is Gary home?
Me (doing my best Hannibal Lector impression): Gary? Hmmmm..... Gary.....Gary....oh yes. I remember Gary. He was delicious.
/hangs up phone.

Never called back again.

A few years back my (now defunct) landline rang and it was that IRS scam where everybody who ever called seemed to have an Indian accent. It was that scam where, if you go along with them far enough, they tell you they'll arrest you unless pay your "debt" to the government with a gift card from Walmart.

I was going to report it to authorities, but it had already been reported a gazillion times. It was on scam-alert websites plus, I'd seen this scam on the news too.

Asking to be put on the Do Not Call list doesn't work for obvious reasons.

So the next time they called, I went pure psycho. Hey, I have acting experience! You know, from doing quicksand videos!

They hung up on me. But I did that thing where you dial a couple digits and the last number that called you phone shows up. I dialed that number. In a little foreign accent they answered, "IRS" and I let loose a loud torrent of abuse, name-calling and obscenities.

They hung up. I called them again. They picked up and I called them every name I could think of between F-words until they cut me off by hanging up.

So I called again.

And they let it ring. It rang over and over again. I noted with smiling satisfaction that they had no answering machine at that number, so they were forced to listen to it ring...and ring...

...KNOWING what was on the other end.

I gave it, oh, 25, 30 rings, enough to let it really sink in, and then I hung up.

Days passed, and I did not hear from them.

I had made it to their Do Not Call.

Nessie