Quicksand Fans

Ted, our esteemed moderator, has recently upbraided me for sniping at the US. And quite right, too. Sorry.

Strange as it may sound, I never set out to offend - merely to tease in a tongue-in-cheek way that is permitted between friends. Oh, alright, I did go into one on the topic of the necessary corollaries to a well-regulated militia - but the rest of my remarks, like the fact that the word colour has six letters, were only ever meant in a light-hearted vein.

However - possibly because irony is not always evident from naked text - it seems that I did not always come over this way. I offended Ted; and if I offended one person, that's too many.

So - Dear America, I'm sorry. Really.

And by way of restitution, here are my -

TEN FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT AMERICA

1) The NFL. It's a strange game. I admit that when it first hit UK TV screens in 1982 it was viewed as something freakish. But when you grasp what is actually going on, it's compelling. I once heard it described as a cross between chess and grievous bodily harm; subtle and brutal at the same time. I'm hooked - and will suffer my annual bout of insomnia this Sunday.

2) New Orleans Jazz. I'm talking Louis Armstrong, Bix Beiderbecke, Kid Ory etc. I never embraced the Be-bop revolution - Duke Ellington is about as avant-garde as I get - but the old-style Dixieland stuff that emerged in the twenties and thirties still gets me going. If I ever visit the USA, top of my list of places to visit would be Preservation Hall. PS; I love Scott Joplin and John Philip Sousa as well.

3) Hollywood. Well, the US film industry - for all I know some of it could be based in Denver these days. Not that the rest of the world can't make films, but Hollywood has the budget. They do BIG. Inevitably, not everything is a hit; but when Hollywood gets it right - damn.

4) Google. Whilst the World Wide Web was invented by an Englishman (Tim Berners-Lee, who gave it to the world free of charge), it's in the US that people have really run with the idea. I'm no great shakes when it comes to technology (can't work a digital camera, don't even possess an i-phone), but I have embraced the future to limited degree, and can't envisage life without it.

5) Imperial Measures. Continued use of. Good for you for continuing to think in feet and inches, pounds and ounces. Personally (and I admit that this is mainly due to my innate cussedness), I still can't get my head round these foreign metric things that seem to have been foisted on us by - well, I've still not worked that out. Keep up the good work. And do you still call them Imperial Measures when you waved the Empire goodbye many years ago? Ironic.

6) The Masters. America's image (as it is perceived by the Rest of the World) is one of newness, brashness, in-your-faceness. And yet, each April down in Augusta there is held an event that comes over as the epitome of restraint, tradition and gentility. Mesmerising - and the place is beautiful.

7) Limiting a President to two terms. Nearly a political statement, here - careful. All power corrupts. Too much really goes to the head - witness what happened to Margaret Thatcher. Politicians are like compost - they may be necessary and even beneficial; but they are also unpleasant, and need to be turned over regularly. Whether you realised it at the time or not, you have come up with an act of genius.

8) You actually teach your kids your history. I know - most of them are on the net trying to get other people to do their homework for them. But still. The teaching of English history became terribly unfashionable a long time ago - which is one of the reasons that we're fast becoming a people who don't know who they are any more.

9) The sense of Occasion. You have a knack for taking an event, and making it an EVENT. The Oscars, the Superbowl, to name but two. Even Groundhog Day and Punxa-can't-spell-that Phil. Also (and possibly connected) you are the most self-confident nation on Earth. The way we used to be a hundred years ago, but aren't any more.

10) McDonalds. Yes, I know. However, I have three kids under twelve. They are fussy eaters, and I am a Crocodile Dundee cook (you can live on it, but it tastes like shit). My life is made so much easier by the fact that I get no arguments when I occasionally take then to McD's.

Lomax wrote:Ted, our esteemed moderator, has recently upbraided me for sniping at the US. And quite right, too. Sorry.

Strange as it may sound, I never set out to offend - merely to tease in a tongue-in-cheek way that is permitted between friends.


TEN FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT AMERICA

1) The NFL. It's a strange game. I admit that when it first hit UK TV screens in 1982 it was viewed as something freakish. But when you grasp what is actually going on, it's compelling. I once heard it described as a cross between chess and grievous bodily harm; subtle and brutal at the same time. I'm hooked - and will suffer my annual bout of insomnia this Sunday.

Most of us are huge fans. I've never missed a home game of my beloved Titans. This only proves that you should have emigrated long ago.

2) New Orleans Jazz. I'm talking Louis Armstrong, Bix Beiderbecke, Kid Ory etc. I never embraced the Be-bop revolution - Duke Ellington is about as avant-garde as I get - but the old-style Dixieland stuff that emerged in the twenties and thirties still gets me going. If I ever visit the USA, top of my list of places to visit would be Preservation Hall. PS; I love Scott Joplin and John Philip Sousa as well.

My cousin grew up in New Orleans and I've spent my share of time there. Preservation Hall pretty much is New Orleans - dirty, crowded, loud, dirty, original, poor, dirty, sounds like nothing else. Eating and sinning are the major industries.

3) Hollywood. Well, the US film industry - for all I know some of it could be based in Denver these days. Not that the rest of the world can't make films, but Hollywood has the budget. They do BIG. Inevitably, not everything is a hit; but when Hollywood gets it right - damn.

And it used to be so much better. Occasionally artistic. I saw The King's Speech and you've still got what it takes to do it quietly. Don't forget that you people invented Shakespeare. Incidentally, former Titan's running back Eddie George is performing Othello this week. (Not making that up.)

4) Google. Whilst the World Wide Web was invented by an Englishman (Tim Berners-Lee, who gave it to the world free of charge), it's in the US that people have really run with the idea. I'm no great shakes when it comes to technology (can't work a digital camera, don't even possess an i-phone), but I have embraced the future to limited degree, and can't envisage life without it.

You people invent lots of stuff but never seem to have the ability to make it pay. All of the unbridled free market types left for more opportunity here a long time ago.

5) Imperial Measures. Continued use of. Good for you for continuing to think in feet and inches, pounds and ounces. Personally (and I admit that this is mainly due to my innate cussedness), I still can't get my head round these foreign metric things that seem to have been foisted on us by - well, I've still not worked that out. Keep up the good work. And do you still call them Imperial Measures when you waved the Empire goodbye many years ago? Ironic.

It's a ridiculous system that personally I'd love to see go away but when you're us you do what you want no matter how silly the rest of the world views it. Strangely enough we generally refer to it as "English" in common reference.

6) The Masters. America's image (as it is perceived by the Rest of the World) is one of newness, brashness, in-your-faceness. And yet, each April down in Augusta there is held an event that comes over as the epitome of restraint, tradition and gentility. Mesmerising - and the place is beautiful.

It's Southern. Goes with the territory. Like the NFL and so many other things it's day is numbered as political correctness and lawyers do their best to destroy it.

7) Limiting a President to two terms. Nearly a political statement, here - careful. All power corrupts. Too much really goes to the head - witness what happened to Margaret Thatcher. Politicians are like compost - they may be necessary and even beneficial; but they are also unpleasant, and need to be turned over regularly. Whether you realised it at the time or not, you have come up with an act of genius.

I think we all understand how important that limitation is for our country. Now if only we could do the same for congress we could be great again.

8) You actually teach your kids your history. I know - most of them are on the net trying to get other people to do their homework for them. But still. The teaching of English history became terribly unfashionable a long time ago - which is one of the reasons that we're fast becoming a people who don't know who they are any more.

Yet another thing being taken away by lawyers, politics, and political correctness. Fortunately the free market has stepped in and many adults are gaining and education from "The History Channel" and similar commercial entities. We also have much shorter history to learn than do you. (I was a history major in college the first time through)

9) The sense of Occasion. You have a knack for taking an event, and making it an EVENT. The Oscars, the Superbowl, to name but two. Even Groundhog Day and Punxa-can't-spell-that Phil. Also (and possibly connected) you are the most self-confident nation on Earth. The way we used to be a hundred years ago, but aren't any more.

Replace that with "sense of Occasion to make money". Events are great for that sort of thing. Most of it is centered around two products of being the most free society on earth - advertising and marketing. Yes we are the most self-confident nation on earth. We really can do anything when we want to. This is another great thing that is also under attack from within. A hundred years from now I suspect we may have transferred that title to China or Mars. At very least we know who they got it from.

10) McDonalds. Yes, I know. However, I have three kids under twelve. They are fussy eaters, and I am a Crocodile Dundee cook (you can live on it, but it tastes like shit). My life is made so much easier by the fact that I get no arguments when I occasionally take then to McD's.

Although I avoid the golden arches like a plague it was not always so. McDonald's is great for what it is. A genius of an operation if you really study it.

Most of us, even those that spent the most time disagreeing with you, understood where you are coming from. Mendacity and general horse shit are the tools of modern discussion now and I enjoy working without barriers. Ted is only human...or something...and has awkward moments from time to time. Don't fret.

It's that famous dry British wit. No offense taken here.

No offense taken here either. It's tradition- we Americans love to "twist the Lion's tail" as it were, and we perceive the English as patting us Colonists condescendingly on the head.

Interestingly, amid some of our American political turmoil a few years back, it was suggested that we beg Her Majesty's pardon for the unfortunate events of 1775-1783 and beg for readmission to the Empire- er, Commonwealth.

Not that I'm going to stop singing scurrilous songs like "Murder all ye bloody heathens" or "Thanks be to God for Royalty" though.

EDIT: We don't call them "Imperial measures" since ours are slightly different. The current term is "U.S. Customary." For example, one imperial gallon is approximately equal to 1.201 U.S. gallons, or 4.546 liters. A US gallon is only 3.785 liters. The US government tried to initiate a metric conversion in 1975, and we've gone back and forth and sort of stopped in the middle. This has led to some rather odd "hybrid" units of measure, such as measuring vehicle particulate emissions in grams per mile, or caffeine levels in beverages in milligrams per ounce.