Hiyoko Saionji’s Muddy Stomp

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UltraWarriorX367
Posts: 96
Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2019 4:22 am

Hiyoko Saionji’s Muddy Stomp

Postby UltraWarriorX367 » Thu Sep 10, 2020 1:02 pm

Hiyoko Saionji’s Muddy Stomp
A Danganronpa QS Fanfic
By UltraWarriorX367

(F, 18+, Sinking, rescue)




It was a bright sunny morning on Jabberwock Island. The birds were singing, flowers were blooming, and the weather was perfect for a day at the beach. Last night there was a thunderstorm that struck the island. It brought thunder, lighting, strong winds, and not to mention rain. As a result of last night's storm, rain puddles were left all over the island but that didn’t seem to bother anyone from going about their day. The 77th - B class were having breakfast in the restaurant of Hotel Mirai, they were talking about their plans for the day.

Hajime Hinata sat at the table by the window. His breakfast consisted of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and a glass of orange juice. He only took 3 bites of his pancakes before taking a swig of juice, he placed outside to see the shining sun's reflection on the ocean. "Wow, These pancakes are amazing!" Yelled Akane as she stuffed her face. "I'm glad you're enjoying them," replied Teruteru as he came out of the kitchen with more pancakes. "I've never had pancakes back home" Sonia said, "But they are adequate at best" she added. "What's in this stuff?" Nidai asked. "Well I'm glad you asked. It's nothing but eggs, sugar, flour, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Along with a little secret ingredient" Replied Teruteru. "S-secret ingredient?" Soda asked. "Let's just say it's a little something I added to give it a little more flavor," Teruteru said as he winked at Soda. Soda began to feel his stomach getting sick and he pushed his plate away from him, Kuzuryu did the same. "Well I've lost my appetite" He said as he picked up the plate and threw its contents in the garbage.

"So. What are we going to do today?" Asked Mahiru as she took the last sip of her juice. "Ibuki hopes it's exciting!!!" Ibuki exclaimed as she rocked back and forth in her chair. "Well I figured we could all go to the Amusement Park on the forth island, but I'm pretty sure it's closed due to the storm from last night" Komeada replied. The others sighed in disappointment. "The same goes for the beach," Chiaki added. "Aww man, I was looking forward to seeing Miss Sonia in her swimsuit!" winned Soda as he slammed his head on the table.

Just then an idea popped into Chiaki's head, "how about a video game tournament" she said. "How would that work?" Hajime asked. "How it works is that we play against each other in Smash Ultimate, the winner of each round will move forward and the loser gets disqualified. The two winners of the previous rounds will face each other in the finals, if they win they'll be crowned King of Smash Bros" she said. Ibuki's eyes lit up when she heard that, "King of Smash Bros!?" She said. "Sounds like fun!" Soda yelled, "Sounds like stupid if you ask me" Hiyoko replied. The others turned and looked at her.

"What do you mean stupid?" Akane asked. "Being with you weirdos is bad enough, but for the whole day! I'd rather stomp Mr ant and his friends then spend the day with you morons!" Hiyoko said as she began to walk towards the stairwell. "B-but Saionji w-we were told to stay inside" Mikan stuttered. "Shut your mouth you trashy b*tch!" she yelled causing Mikan to sulck down on her knees and cower in fear. Sonia went to comfort the trembling nurse as the Traditional Dancer walked down the stairs to exit the hotel. "Where do you think she's going?" Sonia asked. "Probably back to her cottage" Kuzuryu answered sternly.

"I can't believe those idiots! Stay inside all day? Who the hell wants to do that!?" She exclaimed as she angrily kicked a rock. Sure she wasn't a child anymore that didn't stop her from having temper tantrums, even if she was a teenager. The hot weather didn't stop Saionji from wearing her Kimono. She wore a yellow kimono with a pink rose outline pattern and a purple obi sash. Zori sandals covered her feet and her toenails were coated in light yellow with white lotus flower designs. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail with a yellow scrunchie. She was on her way back to her cottage, she planned to stay there for the whole day and eat candy and practice her dancing. She stopped when she saw a plethora of puddles along the poolside, an idea flew into her head. She got a running start and jumped into the puddle, water splashed everywhere, some of it got on her kimono. She spotted the next puddle and stomped in it as well, she was starting to enjoy it. "Squish Squish!" She chanted as she continued to jump and stomp about in the puddles. A few minutes later she was starting to get bored. “There’s gotta be something I can do, I don’t wanna go back to my cottage just yet” She whined. Hiyoko figured that she’d find something else to do with her time, she stood and thought of numerous activities that she could do but all of them didn’t seem to interest her. An idea came to her mind and she smiled evilly.

According to Gundham he said there was a small salt marsh on the far west side of Chandler beach, one of his four dark devas of destruction Jum-P found it when they were out for a walk. Gundham stated that the area was home to deadly ground that drags wandering souls to the netherworld. The others didn’t believe him and thought he was spouting nonsense, but all that changed on one faithful day. Ibuki along with Chiaki and Sonia were taking a stroll along the beach, Ibuki noticed the small marsh on the west side and saw a shiny seashell in the center of the field. Overwhelmed with excitement Ibuki foolishly walked out onto the marsh to get the seashell, unfortunately for her she only got 3 steps in before her left leg broke through the ground and sank into the muck. She pulled and tugged at her leg trying to free it but the mud’s suction already formed around her foot and refused to let her go. She cried for help and luckily Chiaki and Sonia were able to find her, Chiaki managed to find a stick and together they were able to pull her out, at the cost of Ibuki’s shoe. It sank into the muck with a plethora of bubbles and loud gurgling sounds. Ibuki was really torn up about her shoe but Sonia reassured her that they’ll buy her some new ones.

Mahiru told Hiyoko countless times that she didn’t want her going to the small salt marsh by Chandler beach, even though she didn’t believe Gundham’s story she didn’t want Hiyoko to get herself into any danger. But Hiyoko, being the teenage brat that she is, didn’t listen. Instead she made her way to the 2nd island and towards Chandler beach, upon arriving she went over to the west side towards the salt marsh. “I’m just stomping around in mud puddles, I don’t understand what Mahiru’s so worried about,” Hiyoko said as she stepped out onto the marsh. The dancer was unaware of the danger that lied ahead. The short grass swayed in the breeze, the water was calm, and the faint sound of seagulls could be heard overhead. Hiyoko casually strolled through the barren wetland humming to herself as she did. “I can’t believe those losers though that this place is dangerous, especially that dumb breeder! He’s always rambling on and on about dark magic and hell like he’s a depraved emo loser!”

Most of the ground remained sandy for the first couple of steps but it started to get muddy and soft real quick. Hiyoko’s Zori sandals slapped against the wet earthy surface, she looked down and saw that the bottoms of her sandals were starting to get dirty. There were traces of beige colored mud along the sides of her sandals. “Might as well take my sandals off, I don’t want to ruin them” Hiyoko said as she slid them off revealing her cute 7 ½ feet, her light yellow nails gleamed in the sun. She sat her sandals down next to her and began stomping her feet in the mud. The warm liquid earth oozed between her toes and around her foot, she absolutely loved it. The bottom of her kimono started to get dirty from splats of mud as she stomped. “Squish! Squish!” She chanted as she wiggled her toes. She looked up from her play and saw a bright shine in the distance, she walked over to where it was coming from.

She soon came to a large clearing among the short grass with sand along the outer edges and a pit layered with sand colored dirt, at the middle of the pit layed a seashell. It shimmered and gleamed in the sunlight, Hiyoko’s eyes lit up upon seeing it. “That seashell would be the perfect gift for big sis Mahiru!” Hiyoko cried. She began to make her way towards the shell but noticed a sign on her right that read “Danger don’t cross beyond this point”. “As if there’s anything dangerous out here! I swear those losers are just a bunch of babies!” Huffed Hiyoko as she walked past the warning sign towards the seashell. She was accustomed to mud puddles but there was something off about the “sand”. Instead of being coarse and fine it was a weird mixture of silt, sand, and mud. The ground beneath her feet was squishy and wet like jello, it wobbled with every step she took but she paid no attention to it. She didn’t bother to hear the wet sucking sounds the mud made as it sucked at her feet.

Hiyoko was four feet away from claiming her treasure, her footprints were still visible on the surface of the pit. She was determined to get that seashell and nothing was going to stop her, as she took another step disaster struck. The warm sandy jello - like surface suddenly melts beneath her, Hiyoko cries out in surprise as her feet plunge smoothly into the creamy mud with a loud “blooping” sound bringing her to her ankles and lower calfs.

“What gives!?” Hiyoko cried, she tried lifting her left leg but the mud clung tightly to her limbs keeping her in place the same went for her other leg. The traditional dancer wiggled in place trying to free her legs but her efforts proved to be useless. “Let me go!” She cried as she furiously pumped her legs in vain only for them to be driven deeper into the muddy sludge. The slurry of creamy earth gurgled and sucked in response to her movements and slowly consumed the rest of her legs, bringing her down to her kneecaps. Slightly annoyed by her predicament Hiyoko grabbed the lower part of her mud singed kimono and raised it up, she then twisted back and forth in the mire trying to loosen the suction around her legs. “This can’t be happening! I’m stuck in mud!?” Hiyoko cried, a tone of anger was present in her voice. She then noticed that the grass around her was starting to get taller and she could feel herself getting shorter, she looked down and saw the earthy sludge pulling her thighs down into its murky depths. A surge of panic pops into Hiyoko’s mind like a warning flare, it finally dawns on her that she’s sinking. “Oh my god, I’m sinking! Help! Help me! Anyone!” She called as she frantically twisted her thighs.


Back on the Central Island everyone was in the Hotel participating in the Smash Bros Tournament. Akane and Nekomaru moved the tables in the dinning hall to make extra space and Soda made an HD flat screen tv monitor with parts from the electronics shop, Teruteru provided the group with snacks in case they got hungry. They were already in the second round with Akane taking first from the last round along with Nekomaru, Gundham, and Twogami. Akane was Bowser, Nekomaru was DK, Gundham was Kirby, and Twogami was Pac Man. The stage they were playing was Midgar and Akane hadn’t lost any of her stocks yet and she was dominating the battlefield. “Come in guys are you even trying? I’m kicking your asses over here!” She cried as she F - Smashed Kirby off the stage sending him out of bounds. “One does not simply F - Smash the Supreme Overlord of Ice! The Star Warrior and I will send you to the Netherrealm!!!” Cried Gundham as he performed Kirby’s up-B and comboed into his down air on Bowser bringing his damage to 75%. DK down aired him and head butted him into the ground and followed up with a f-smash sending him flying, Gundham angrily glared at Nekomaru upon being flung out of bounds but the team manager smiled and grinned at him much to his annoyance. “For Fucks sake Tanaka you're getting bodied out there!!” Kuzuryu yelled. “Ibuki’s confident that Gundham will win,” said Ibuki as she smiled cheerfully. “Ah Confidence, a fool’s substitute for intelligence” Replied Gundham in a cold tone. He grabbed a freezie and threw it at Pac Man who was trying to get back on the stage after being thrown off, he was immediately frozen and Gundham down-b’d him sending him down. “Oh! Great play by Gundham!” Cried Soda. “I must admit, that was very clever” Twogami replied. As the quartet continued playing Mahiru stood in the corner watching the match, something was bothering her and she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Hajime walked over to her to see what was wrong. “Hey Koizumi, are you okay I’ve never seen you this sad before” He asked. “I’m fine. I’m just worried about Saionji, that's all” She replied. Hajime sighed as he put his hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure she’s fine, she’s probably in her cottage snuggled up in her blanket listening to music and eating candy” He said, Koizumi easied up when he said that and sighed. “I guess you're right but I’m gonna go check on her” She replied and began to make her way towards the stairwell to exit the hotel.

“Help Me! Help me Please!” Hiyoko cried. She made little to no progress in freeing herself. The mud had swallowed her to her upper thighs due to her constant struggles but the Traditional Dancer refused to stay still in the sucking deathtrap. She angrily twisted and thrashed about in the mire which only sped up her descent into the liquid earthy slop. In an effort to loosen the mud’s grip on her legs she bent her body forward and tried to climb out with all her strength. But her hopes were ultimately shattered, the suction was too strong and the muck was too deep. Every little movement she made only drove her deeper and deeper. Suddenly, Hiyoko felt the mire shift and loosen dramatically, the wet silt and sand liquified to a frightening degree due to her struggles. With a cry, she drops to her waist, the mud churned and bubbled around her body as the marsh mud pulled her in deeper. “No.. No….” Hiyoko Whimpered, trying her hardest to fight back the tears forming in her eyes. Now waist deep in the deady quagmire, she panics and looks for anything in the vicinity to grab onto. In the corner of her eye she spots an overgrown root on the mire’s edge, she tries to grab it but finds it far out of her reach of her straining fingertips. In a sigh of frustration Hiyoko shifts her weight and leans forward, she tries to ignore the cool mud oozing through the silk and garment folds of her kimono lapping at her bare skin. Her reach extends but not enough, she pushes herself further toward with all her strength, kicking as best she could with her legs, which remain trapped in the mud. With little effort she’s able to move them, but it was like swimming in a bowl of peanut butter. Gritting her teeth she crawls her way towards the root but immediately finds herself slipping backwards into the hungry bog. “Ah! No… No…. No” Hiyoko cried as she desperately clawed at the mud trying to find a solid spot, but all she could feel was warm mud. In a brash act she dug both hands into the muck and tightly grasped her thighs and pulled with all her strength. But she didn’t do much as budge them, the only good that did was dirtying up her hands along with her kimono sleeves. Hiyoko looked down and saw the mud up to her stomach, a flare of panic surged in her mind like a fire alarm.


Back at the hotel the students were in the semifinal rounds with Nagito, Kuzuryu, Tsumiki, and Sonia. Nagito was playing with Mr Game & Watch, Kuzuryu was Joker, Sonia was Samus, and Tsumiki was Isabel. They were playing on Dracula’s castle. So far Nagito hadn’t lost any of his stocks while the others were down to 2, the only exception was Tsumiki since she was at one. “How the fuck do you still have 3 stocks?!” Kuzuryu asked. “I guess I’m just good at the game,” Nagito replied. “Or you could be hackin the game with your rng!” Kuzuryu spat back. Samus fired a charge shot from her arm cannon at Joker but he reflected it back at her and followed it up with a down tilt kooing her instantly. “Ha! Score one for the Phantom Theif!” Cried Kuzuryu as he first bumped the air. Mr Game & Watch went to down B Joker but he jumped at the last minute causing him to ground Isabel. “Ah! No.. No” Tsumiki cried as she fiddled with the left stick trying to free herself but she was immediately f-smashed by Samus. “Go Miss Sonia! Destroy them all!” Soda yelled. “Get Nagito, he still has 3 stocks!” Nekomaru added. Sonia and the others made a beeline for Mr Game & Watch until Koizumi came running up the stairs. “Guys I can’t find Hiyoko!” She cried. Sonia immediately paused the game when she heard that. “Isn’t she at her cottage?” She asked. “That’s what I thought too, but when I went to knock on her door there was no answer,” Koizumi replied in a worried tone. Hajime knew they couldn’t ignore this, Hiyoko could’ve gotten herself in trouble without them knowing. “Don’t worry Koizumi, we'll find her,” He said. “Do we have to? I mean we’re in the middle of a gaming tournament!” Soda moaned. “Hey! If you're really a man, then you’d be willing to help those who need you!” Yelled Koizumi. “Ugh. Fine, I guess you're right” Soda said as he groaned. Him along with the others came together and began to put a plan into action. Nagito,Chiaki, Ibuki, and Twogami would stay on the central island, Mahiru, Gundham, Kuzuryu, Mikan, & Soda went to the second island, and Hajime, Akane, Nekomaru, Peko, and Teruteru checked the third island.


Back in the salt marsh Hiyoko was making little success to free herself from her sinky situation. The mud was now to her upper chest near her breasts, she groans in disgust as she felt the cold sludge prick her skin. By this point she lost a grip on her emotions and was crying immensely. “BIG SIS MAHIRU! ANYONE?! HELP ME!!!” She screamed as she frantically clawed at the mud in vain in all directions, the holes were immediately refilled with wet earth every time. Her eyes widen as the greedy mud consumes half of her breasts, more panic swells up within her, frantic to escape the deathtrap once and for all. She desperately kept her muddy arms on the mire’s surface and tried once more to push herself up out of the slop with little to no success. “Help me… help me, please” Hiyoko whimpered as the mud fully engulfed her breasts.


So far the search for Hiyoko wasn’t going too well. Nagito’s group couldn’t find her and the central island, Hajime’s group confirmed that she wasn’t at the third island ethier, and Koizumi’s group had yet to report anything. Mahiru, Soda, and Kuzuryu searched long and hard along the shores of the Chandler beach and so far nothing came up. That was until one of Gundham’s four dark devas of destruction Mirage Golden Hawk: Jum-P found footprints in the sand leading to the salt marsh. He ran back towards Gundham and alerted him and the others of the footprints. “Jum-P found footprints leading to the badlands, no doubt that they belong to Hiyoko!” He cried. “You mean she actually went into the marsh!? Even after Ibuki nearly got sucked down!” Soda yelled. A wave of fear and panic began to consume Mahiru, and without hesitation she ran towards the marsh. “Koizumi! What the fuck are you doing!” Kuzuryu yelled, but she didn’t pay attention to him as she ran out onto the wetland while the others followed behind her. “Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive!” Mahiru thought to herself. Her shoes splashed against the water as she ran. She pushed her way through the grass and found Hiyoko up to her shoulders in the mire grasping at the mud hopelessly trying to find anything solid. The others soon caught up with Mahiru. “Hiyoko are you okay?” Tsumiki asked. “No you trashy b*tch! I’m up to my shoulders in peanut butter for crying out loud!” Hiyoko roared, causing the nurse to flinch in fear. Mahiru went to help her but she was stopped by Soda. “Wait! You’ll get stuck too if you go out there” Soda said. “Kazuichi is correct, if you were to step foot on the forbidden river you and Hiyoko will be dragged down to the netherworld!” Gundham replied, which resulted in the group giving him a WTF look. “We have to do something!” Mahiru said in a tone of fear and anger. “Please… help me” Hiyoko uttered, she was slowly running out of stamina and starting to get tired. Her shoulders and arms were pulled under by the quivering muck. “Don’t just stand there! Find something that she can grab onto!” Ordered Mahiru, the others began looking around the marsh searching for things like twigs or sticks. Soda returned with a 2ft long stick and gave to her. “That was the only long stick I could find,” he said. “Well if this is the only one, I guess we have no choice” Mahiru said. Kuzuryu looked at the stick and then at Hiyoko. “That stick’s only 2ft long and she’s roughly 7ft out, do the math Koizumi” Kuzuryu said. Mahiru realized that he was right, she would need to get closer in order to pull her out. With that she started to undo her shoes and peeled off her dark green socks revealing her 7 ½ sized feet with pine green coated toenails. “You're not doing what I think you're doing, are you?” Soda asked. “I have to get closer to her,” Mahiru said. With that she went out onto the surface of the mire. Just a few steps in her feet sunk to her ankles throwing her off balance, in response she stuck her arms out to readjust herself. With the quicking mud at her neck Hiyoko frantically squirmed about making her sink deeper. “Don’t struggle, it'll make you sink faster! Stay still” Mahiru said. Hiyoko nodded her head in agreement. Troughing through the silt proved to be no easy task since the muck clinged tightly to Mahiru’s feet. With some effort she was able to reach Hiyoko, by that time the mud had already swallowed a good portion of her legs. “Grab on!” Mahiru said, Hiyoko was able to pull out her muddied hands and grabbed the stick. Mahiru leaned back and began pulling with all her might, try as she could Hiyoko didn’t budge. “It ‘s almost like trying to pull a giant boulder” Mahiru said, she tried once more determined not to lose her friend to the sucking earth. Her legs quivered and strained as she tugged hard at the stick but her attempts only drove her deeper. In frustration she threw the stick away, got closer to Hiyoko and dug her hands into the mud. She maneuvered her way through the muck until she felt her waist and then wrapped her arms around it. She then began to lift her out of the sucking earth, Mahiru tugged and strained her muscles trying to pull her out and Hiyoko was wiggling her entire body to loosen up the mud’s suction. The redhead felt herself getting shorter and to her shock she noticed that the bubbling sludge was to her upper thighs, a look of fear began to form on her face. “She’s in too deep!” Soda cried. “We’ve got to do something!” Kuzuryu said as he frantically looked around for anything they could use but couldn’t find anything. he then looked over at Gundham, mainly he looked at his scarf. In a flash he took the scarf of Gundham’s neck and gave it to Soda. “What do you fools think your doing! That scarf was given to me by the Ancient One! That Scarf was tailored from the scales of a dragon along with the feathers of a radiant alicorn!” He yelled. “Does it look like I give a f*uck!” Kuzuryu spat back at him. Soda tied Gundham’s scarf around his wrist and he threw it out on the mire’s surface close to where Mahiru was. “Grab on!” Soda said. With one hand Mahiru grabbed the scarf, with the other she held tightly onto Hiyoko. Soda and Kuzuryu began to pull the duo back to solid ground but the mire had strong hold on them and refused to let go of it’s prey Mahiru was twisting her lower body to loosen the mud’s grip, Hiyoko was almost up to her chin in the quick mud. “Aren’t you boys supposed to be strong and tough!? This should be easy for you!” Scold Mahiru. “Not our fault you two weigh like a ton of bricks!” Kuzuryu replied. “Dude hurry up! My arms are starting to hurt!” Wailed Soda. Kuzuryu gritted his teeth and tugged as hard as he could and little by little they were pulled out of the muddy trap and back onto solid ground.


Mahiru and Hiyoko laid on the ground, exhausted from the muddy workout they gave themselves. The only part of Mahiru that was muddy were her legs, from her toes to the upper thigh near her crotch. Hiyoko on the other hand, save for her face, her body from the neck down to her toes was coated in creamy sand colored clay. “You guys okay” Soda asked. Mahiru caught her breath and said “Yeah I’m fin- Mahiru began but was immediately interrupted. “Big Sis Mahiru!” Hiyoko cried as she tightly hugged her “*sniff* I was s-so scared! I thought I was going to d-die *sniff* I-I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you! I-I promise I won’t do it again” Hiyoko in between tears. “It’s okay Saionji I forgive you, can you let go of me now” Mahiru asked as she was starting to get uncomfortable with Hiyoko cuddling her while coated in mud. Soda went and gave Gundham back his scarf which was soiled in a few splotches of mud. “You better hope that I don’t burn your clothes off when you let your guard down” He said as he glared angrily at the mechanic.

The other groups were at Chandler Beach continuing their search until they saw Mahiru’s group come out of the salt marsh. “Is everyone okay?” Hajime asked. “Hmph. Most of us are, Hiyoko went out onto the cursed swamplands and was nearly inches away from a muddy demise. But thankfully we were able to find her and free her before she was sucked down to the depths of the netherworld!” Gundham answered menacingly. “I thought that section of the beach was closed off! What was she doing over there?” Nekomaru asked. “I only wanted to stomp around in mud puddles but I saw this shiny seashell out on the sand and I thought it would be a great gift for big sis Mahiru” Whimpered Hiyoko as she spoke. “You mean you nearly died trying to get a stupid seashell!?” Yelled Akane. “In Hiyoko’s defense, Ibuki was also tempted to get that shell too. Instead I got one of my shoes pulled off… Stupid mud” Grumbled Ibuki. “Miss Koizumi and Miss Saionji were rolling around and playing the mud, mhmm! I wouldn’t mind seeing Miss Peko wallowing around getting filthy while wearing a swimsuit” Teruteru said to himself in a seductive tone only to get whacked upside the head by Peko. Sonia sighed a breath of relief “What matters is that you're safe, you had us all worried sick” She said, the others nodded in agreement. “We should probably start heading back” Chiaki said. “Oh right! We didn’t finish our match!” Soda cried as started to race back to the hotel. “Someone’s eager to lose” Sneered Kuzuryu. The others then started making their way back to the hotel, Mahiru went to join them but felt Hiyoko tug at her arm. “Big sis Mahiru” she began “I wanted to ask if you want to shower together when we get back to the hotel”. Mahiru smiled “sure why not. I think both of us could use a wash after today. The Traditional dancer smiled happily at her response, the duo held hands and began to catch up to the group. Once back at the hotel the match resumed Teruteru made more food for everyone and they were having fun with their little tournament. Hiyoko ended up partaking in a few rounds until she was eliminated but she didn’t mind as long’s as she got to spend time with Mahiru along with her classmates no matter how weird or quirky they may be.


The End.

Solrex
Posts: 229
Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2018 2:02 am

Re: Hiyoko Saionji’s Muddy Stomp

Postby Solrex » Fri Sep 11, 2020 6:20 am

Good story, only thing I would change is the 75% to 76% or 74%, 75 is too perfect of a number and doesn’t seem realistic. Otherwise, good story.

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DJlurker
Posts: 1468
Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 6:29 pm

Re: Hiyoko Saionji’s Muddy Stomp

Postby DJlurker » Sat Sep 12, 2020 2:13 am

Nice story, but the second to last paragraph was a big wall of text, you should have broken it up a little more. Anyway, if you could give a critique of my recent story 'The Elegant Christine', I would appreciate it. ;)


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