Part 1 of 2
An INTRODUCTION of Sorts:
A couple of those who peruse this list will remember with decidedly mixed emotions the outstanding Quikmoose and Dr. Yen Muck ‘N Mire Saturday Afternoon Theater, wherein our heroes carefully and carefreely analyzed Hollywood (and not so Hollywood) quicksand scenes on our now-vanished website for an erudite audience that likes women with big breasts to sink into the stuff.
Sadly, those days are now part of our past (or maybe not so sadly?
), but I (Quikmoose) came across a couple of un-used scripts for two additional shows that never quite made it to our website, probably for very good reasons...The way Dr.Yen/Quikmoose worked was I would first draw up a draft script around a certain quicksand clip. I would then send it along to the impeccable Dr. Yen to weave his magical touch and re-write. Once agreed upon, Dr. Yen would then post a copy of the particular clip and our script onto our website, including frame-grabs with immortal captions, such as cone-head warriors in “Ursus and the Valley of the Lions” singing “Here we go ‘round the Appian Way, the Appian Way, the Appian Way…” Or perhaps it was the warrior’s horses who were singing? Dr. Yen always had good horse sense.
Dr. Yen and I managed to put out 4 or 5 different “shows” in this manner for about six months until the whole thing petered out, in that way things often do on the Internet (especially when no paychecks are involved! Sheesh!!)
These two “Lost Episodes” then, are actually draft scripts that I put together but which lack the final shellacking that the good Dr. Yen provided, much less his keen sense of graphic design.
Did I mention women with big tits in quicksand? Just checking.
The following episode is from “The Rifleman” television show involving teenage cowgirl quicksand with our usual irreverent review. Warning: Inappropriate Cowgirl Jokes.
(The second “Lost Episode” will shortly be posted in a separate message.)
-- Your Ol’ Pal Quikmoose
(P.S. Dr. Yen: Send me an e-mail sometime. I’ve lost your phone number in the piles of papers on my floor. Long time, no talk! -- Quikmoose)
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(DRAFT)
QUIKMOOSE/DR. YEN
MUCK ‘N MIRE SATURDAY AFTERNOON THEATER
This Month’s Clip:
The Rifleman Episode: “Old Tony”
Dr. Yen: (Dressed in black, with cowboy hat and holster, leaning against a fake fence post in the plush, downtown studio) Howdy, all you Buckaroos and Buckarettes! I reckon y’all are welcome to mosey on down to our show.
Quikmoose: (Dressed in large sombrero that keeps falling down over his antlers, with two bandoleers of bullets crossing his chest, over an old, faded serape) OK, now that we got you corralled! This is indeed a great show for today, I’ll be darned tootin’!
Yen: Whatever that means. And you folks are probably wondering why our Western duds? Well, today, we have quite a Western dud of a clip to review. And it also represents our first foray into that vast 1950’s wasteland of television Westerns, to boot.
Quikmoose: One of the most unlikely Westerns of them all: THE RIFLEMAN!
Yen: Starring that square-jawed sod-buster himself, Chuck Connors.
Quikmoose & Yen: (Together) YIPPEEEEE!!! (Waving their hats around in the air)
Quikmoose: Oh what romance! What nostalgia! Chuck plays Lucas McCain, the hardscrabble, hard-nosed, hard-working farmer, who, with his young son Mark, farms three million dusty acres of cacti and weeds in order to grow meager pioneer crops of marijuana, sorghum weed, Cheerios, phlox, beriberi, anthrax, coyotes, and waxed beans and okra. Whew, ‘tis an uncertain life for these hardy pioneers in a savage land and an uncertain rural economy.
Yen: But fortunately, Quikmoose, the 6-foot-ten-inch McCain gets empowerment from blowing bad people away. He feels pretty put upon until one day he wanders down to the local NRA annual gun show, shells out his latest Department of Agriculture subsidy, and buys himself an illegal conversion kit to turn his Winchester ‘73 into an AK 47 on steroids.
Quikmoose: McCain now possesses more firepower at his rugged fingertips than the Eighth Army, and he knows how to use it, too.
Yen: But this one episode is special.
Quikmoose: Yep, our episode called “Old Tony.”
Yen & Quikmoose: (Together) “Ooooooooolllldddd Tonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiieeeeee!!!” (Singing, with hats off)
Yen: Guest starring Ebeneezer Farquhar with a phony accent as Old Tony, a beleaguered grump-puss from the Fatherland who doesn’t much like people.
Quikmoose: But he likes McCain’s young vibrant son, Mark, and his budding sweetheart, Laurie Ponytail...
Yen: (Quickly) Which reminds me....
Quikmoose: ....you interrupted me....??
Yen: (Frantically signaling) Ha ha, yes (nervously), that does remind me....
Quikmoose: But I was gonna talk about Laurie Pioneer Ponytail and her....
Yen: (Hopping up and down in his chair) ... YES, well, that’s just fine, Quikmoose, but FIRST....
Quikmoose: (Puzzled look) What ever is the matter with you?
Yen: Ha Ha, nothing really, its just that... (Pulls out sign, painted red: “WARNING: Moral Dilemma Ahead!!!”)
Quikmoose: (Slowly reading) “Moral dilemma”? Again? What moral dilemma this time???
Yen: Well, ha ha, about Laurie... (Gestures)
Quikmoose: Yes, about Laurie, little Miss Blond Cowgirl Bombshell Ponytail....?
Yen: (More frantically) Yes, about Laurie. L-A-U-R-I-E! About her....
Quikmoose: (Frowning, pulling up his sombrero to scratch his antlers) What about Laurie....?
Yen: Think really, really hard....
Quikmoose: (Brightening) Yes, that’s the way I get when I think of her in the quic....
Yen: (Shaking his head violently) Ix-nay, Ix-nay!!!
Quikmoose: Is it something about her hair?
Yen: Nooooo, not about her hair. Guess again!
Quikmoose: I really can’t imagine, after all she looks so good in those tight....
Yen: (Moaning) No, no, no, no, no, no!!
Quikmoose: What?
Yen: (In loud whisper) The babe is jail bait!
Quikmoose: What, I didn’t quite hear you??!!
Yen: Illegal. Immoral. Too young. No touchie, no feelie...
Quikmoose: Who?
Yen: (Exasperated) LAURIE, YOU IDIOT!!! AS IN STATUTORY!!!
Quikmoose: (Jumping out of his chair) Whoa, Nelly!! Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!!! Oh my goodness.... I didn’t mean, I mean, I never said... And I certainly never touched......!!!!!!
Yen: Well, it certainly DOES pose a moral dilemma, for us, don’t you think?? Age is a factor?
Quikmoose: Well, let’s see... (Ponders for a moment) I know! When she made the TV show, she was probably somewhat a youngster, albeit a well-developed one....??
Yen: Maybe she was a 32-year old actress PRETENDING to be a young teen??
Quikmoose: Well, at least she should certainly be thirty-two by now, don’t you think? Let’s see, 2002 minus 1958 equals....carry the one.....
Yen: (Rolling his eyes towards heaven) Your math is certainly on point.
Quikmoose: What do we do? You know our motto: “On with the Show”....
Yen: Yep, “On with the Show.” Folks, while we patiently wait for Quikmoose’s train of thought to leave the station, our story today starts, now that we are beyond moral dilemmas....
Quikmoose: Or beyond morals, as the case may be...
Yen: Ahem! (Sharp look at Quikmoose) Our story begins with Mark, played by Johnny Crawford, and Laurie Ponytail going to see grumpy Old Tony....
Quikmoose & Yen: (Together) “Ooooooollllllllddddd Tonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!”
Yen: ...in his ramshackle cabin fortunately situated near a typical Western quicksand death trap...
Quikmoose: His Feng Shu was off a bit, that week.
Yen: Laurie Ponytail goes wandering off, after being told A MILLION TIMES not to wander off into strange quicksand swamps by her beautiful pioneer mother...
Quikmoose: Who never appears in this show, unfortunately, as having a beautiful older woman would sure be a help to our aforesaid moral dilemma...
Yen: Yes indeed. After all, Laurie herself has two of the finest, ripest, newest..... ummmmmm....
Quikmoose: Watch it!
Yen: Uhhhhh...boots.... Yes, two of the nicest cowgirl boots you ever did see.
Quikmoose: Not to mention tight jeans, Levi’s 401K with special double riveting to resist slackness when placed in quicksand...
Yen: Thanks, I had forgotten her jeans (Yen’s face glows red and he hurries on).... Laurie does a fine Texas two-step into a deadly mud pot.
Quikmoose: Yes, I thought this sequence was nice as her leather cowgirl boots get deeper and deeper in the muck, until .......BINGO.........she steps in TOO deep!
Yen: Caught in quicksand, the poor dear struggles to raise her boots (did we mention they were LEATHER COWGIRL BOOTS???)....
Quikmoose: (Fanning Dr. Yen’s face with the “WARNING: Moral Dilemma Ahead!” sign) QUICKSAND!! She sinks, calling desperately for her young lover, Mark, who is off asleep in the woods somewhere.
Yen: Here, as she struggles and screams desperately, Mark suddenly becomes aware that “something is amiss.” He awakens from deep slumber under his hat and calls her name, but hears no answer.
Quikmoose: At which time, he creates a miracle. Out in the rugged wilderness, far from any familiar landmarks or street signs, Mark chooses the one direction out of 360 degrees of possibilities that is the right one...
Yen: Amazing direction finders, those pioneers!
Quikmoose: Like a walking compass. ... and after stumbling around the bushes for a while, Mark suddenly comes upon his sweetie....
Yen: Still struggling. And struggling. Boy, does she struggle good! And she is deeper – in the quicksand up to her two nice budding ...her two...her two....
Quikmoose: Steady boy!!!
Yen: Brass buttons! Yes, that’s it! She was up to her nice budding brass buttons on her expensive Victoria Secret’s cowgirl shirt. Quite nice buttons, don’t you think?
Quikmoose (Looking at the ceiling): I could not keep my eyes off her new brass buttons, myself...
Yen: Yes, well, she has really really NICE buttons. So Mark runs up, managing to do a clumsy, pioneer pre-World Series slide in the dirt. And then poor Mark is so taken with her, he slides in right behind her, suddenly finding himself up to his armpits in quicksand...
Quikmoose: With a pair of very tight Levi’s mashing his crotch
Yen: What???
Quikmoose: And his arms around her buttons....Whooo hooo!
Yen: QUIKMOOSE!!!?
Quikmoose: I mean, he attempts to help her struggle, all in a very pioneering non-touchie/feelie way. I mean, it is perfectly chaste. Nice church-goers. Disney approved. Nothing happens.
Yen: No, Old Tony sees to that...
Quikmoose & Yen (Together): “Ooooooooollllllddd Tonnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!”
Quikmoose: Yes, by another miracle, lecherous Old Tony guesses them young’uns are out rolling in the ol’ quicksand together....
Yen: ....so to speak....
Quikmoose: ...and Old Tony picks exactly the right direction to catch ‘em at it, too.
Yen: Another miracle?
Quikmoose: That, or he follows the scent of teenage pioneer pheromones bursting out all over the prairie... He spots our two kids in quicksand.
Yen: And then Old Tony....
Quikmoose & Yen (Together): “Oooooooooolllldddd Tonnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!”
Yen: ... galumphs on back to his ramshackle shack in the woods, intent on calling Planned Parenthood before it’s too late.
Quikmoose: Only to meet, in yet one more miraculous occurrence, Lucas McCain, played by Chuck Connors....
Yen & Quikmoose (Together): YIIIIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Quikmoose: ... nobly riding up in the nick of time, with a rifle, a rope, and a pocket full of 25,700 rifle bullets interspersed with a batch of old West condoms...
Yen: The best kind, made out of beaten sorghum weed....
Quikmoose: No preacher in sight, though, so Old Tony and Chuck....
Yen & Quikmoose (Together): “Oooolllllldddddd Tonnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiieeeeeee!” YIIPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Quikmoose: ...must dash off to prevent a true TRAGEDY!
Yen: And to also prevent the quicksand from gobbling up his only son.
Quikmoose: Not to mention a nice ripe budding blond ponytail!
Yen: Platonic blond ponytail. Although young Mark is having the time of his life, telling young Laurie to quit squirming.
Quikmoose: Suddenly, to his embarrassment, his Paw and Old Tony appear...
Yen & Quikmoose (Together): “Dittooooooooooooooiiiiieeeee!”
Yen: Yep, the sight of his father with his lethal weapon and a rope certainly sobered up these young lovers in a hurry.
Quikmoose: No more mud squirming for today, kinky poohs!
Yen: These young hellions are busted!
Quikmoose: Mark says, “uhhhh, but I can explain...”
Yen: So, Lucas pulls on his calf-hide, cow-punching gloves...
Quikmoose: ... to prevent transmission of any adolescent sexual diseases...
Yen (Pauses): Was that really necessary??
Quikmoose: You’re the one who hired our writers!
Yen: So I did. Anyway, Lucas, gloved up and sterile, carefully walks out to the two young lovers, hovers over them, and thinks: “If I just let young Laurie sink under, that may save a nasty paternity lawsuit down the pike...”
Quikmoose: Unfortunately for Luke, but fortunately for the trial lawyers, Mark keeps his hold on his honeypie...
Yen: And they are both hoisted to safety, wherein Mark says....
Quikmoose: All together now....
Yen & Quikmoose (Together): “PAW, I sure AM GLAD to see YOU!!”
Quikmoose: And then Lucas McCain answers....
Yen: Let’s all do it....
Quikmoose & Yen (Together): “ME, TOO, son...me, too.”
Yen: Wow! Pulitzer material!!
Quikmoose (A tear in his eye): Give a nice shiny Emmy to that writer!
Yen: Touching dialog between a rugged he-man and his immature son, caught with his hands in the quicksand cookie jar....
Quikmoose: ....fondling her brass buttons....
Yen: And what about THE RIFLEMAN’s quicksand bog, Quikmoose? How does it rate on your scientific scale of ONE to TEN, with ONE being really fakey water that could never sink a babe, even if she wasn’t skinny and under-aged...?
Quikmoose (Fumbling with his bubble pipe): Well, good Doctor, I really feel this quicksand pool stands out in many ways. It is very realistic, going from dry ground to wet to plunging depths in a wink, without apparent banks or untidy margins. Just the right size for our two rustic teenyboppers, too. There are a few wispy reeds around to add atmosphere. Our youngish ponytailed woman sinks slowly, and the quicksand looks thick and inviting.
Yen: I too, thought the scene was quite good. You have already pointed out the ominous tracks of Laurie’s approach to doom. And she does struggle good...
Quikmoose: And how, does she STRUGGLE...!
Yen: And I like the fact that they can both spoon in the mud comfortably, if only the adults would just stay away...
Quikmoose: That’s one thing that I have noticed about Hollywood quicksand scenes. Almost never do man and woman sink in missionary position. Why do you think that is?
Yen: Could it have something to do with the Church?
Quikmoose: People in Hollywood go to church?
Yen: I guess. Where else does one come up with the idea of a TV Western starring a hero farmer with a lethal 1870’s style machine gun trying to keep his young, brash son from sharing quicksand with blond babes??
Quikmoose: Quite right. I give it a NINE, simply because the babe is strictly hands-off for us oldsters...
Yen: Well, that hardly seems fair, but it is accurate.
Quikmoose: One technical note: Like many Hollywood quicksand traps, this one is five hundred and thirty-seven feet deep, but only a few inches across. Quite unlikely such a situation would happen in nature!
Yen: Even in the old West?
Quikmoose: Well, maybe then. Science was still in its infancy....
Yen: As was our heroine....
Quikmoose: Ouch.
Yen: Well, I guess we will have to amble off into the sunset, right, Quikmoose?
Quikmoose: Yeah, time to bed down the beeves and check the quicksand pools for stuck young lovers...
Yen: And so, friends, until the next time...
Quikmoose: Watch those dose-does....
Yen: Get a long, littl’ doggie, as a short one won’t do...
Quikmoose: All together now....
Yen: Here we go....
Quikmoose & Yen (Together): ON WITH THE SHOW!!, YIIIIPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! (Waving hats around over their heads...)
