Part 2 of 2
An INTRODUCTION of Sorts:
A couple of those who peruse this list will remember with decidedly mixed emotions the outstanding Quikmoose and Dr. Yen Muck ‘N Mire Saturday Afternoon Theater, wherein our heroes carefully and carefreely analyzed Hollywood (and not so Hollywood) quicksand scenes on our now-vanished website for an erudite audience that likes women with big breasts to sink into the stuff.
Sadly, those days are now part of our past (or maybe not so sadly?
, but I (Quikmoose) came across a couple of un-used scripts for two additional shows that never quite made it to our website, probably for very good reasons...The way Dr.Yen/Quikmoose worked was I would first draw up a draft script around a certain quicksand clip. I would then send it along to the impeccable Dr. Yen to weave his magical touch and re-write. Once agreed upon, Dr. Yen would then post a copy of the particular clip and our script onto our website, including frame-grabs with immortal captions, such as cone-head warriors in “Ursus and the Valley of the Lions” singing “Here we go ‘round the Appian Way, the Appian Way, the Appian Way…” Or perhaps it was the warrior’s horses who were singing? Dr. Yen always had good horse sense.
Dr. Yen and I managed to put out 4 or 5 different “shows” in this manner for about six months until the whole thing petered out, in that way things often do on the Internet (especially when no paychecks are involved! Sheesh!!)
These two “Lost Episodes” then, are actually draft scripts that I put together but which lack the final shellacking that the good Dr. Yen provided, much less his keen sense of graphic design.
Did I mention women with big tits in quicksand? Just checking.
The following episode is a special one, a Dr. Yen and Quikmoose CALL-IN Show. Warning: Not Nice Language.
(An earlier post includes our “Lost Episode” about “The Rifleman” television series.)
-- Your Ol’ Pal Quikmoose
(P.S. Dr. Yen: Send me an e-mail sometime. I’ve lost your phone number in the piles of papers on my floor. Long time, no talk! -- Quikmoose)
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(DRAFT)
Quikmoose/Dr. Yen
Muck ‘n Mire
Saturday Afternoon Matinee
This Week’s SPECIAL Show
“Quicksand Movie Call-in”
OUR PHONE LINES ARE OPEN!
Dr. Yen: Good afternoon and welcome to our highly-rated, always topical Quikmoose/Dr. Yen Muck ‘n Mire Saturday Afternoon Matinee. And today, we have a very SPECIAL show, don’t we Quikmoose?
Quikmoose: Yes, well it is SPECIAL, so welcome all you folks out there in Internet Land!
Yen: Last time, in rewinding our monthly Quicksand Movie Clip, Spinner the Tarantula (co-producer of our show) was entangled in the rewind sprocket and strained five legs.
Quikmoose: Poor Spinner is resting comfortably in the Arachnid Ward of the Mayo Clinic, as doctors debate the best way to separate him from the little bits of celluloid all over his furry body.
Yen: So, without a working projector or a working projectionist, we thought we would do something ... well... SPECIAL today.
Quikmoose: Yep, SPECIAL! That’s what it is!!
Yen: Gosh yes, SPECIAL! Nothing like doing something SPECIAL, when all else fails!
Quikmoose: Ummm.... SPECIAL....
Yen: Today, we give the show over to YOU, the viewers...
Quikmoose: And viewers like you....
Yen: Or not like you, as the case may be. Through the magic of modern electronics, you can call our studio operators RIGHT NOW, and talk to us, LIVE on camera, as if you were right here in our lavish, expensive studio, with real live celebrities!
Quikmoose: And we wear less make-up than most celebrities, too. Our lines are OPEN!
Yen: Well, let’s get our first call, eh Quikmoose??
Phone: (Silence.)
Quikmoose: Not exactly ringing off the hook, is it?
Yen: No, I guess not. Why don’t you flash the phone number sign again for the viewers, Quikmoose?
Quikmoose: Wait a minute! I can’t do that. That’s Spinner’s job!
Phone: (Silence, again.)
Yen: But Spinner isn’t here, he’s in the Mayo CEC (Celluloid Emergency Center). Folks, our lines are OPEN, and we want to hear from YOU!
Quikmoose: But I can’t do it. It’s not in my contract.
Yen: You have a contract? Why didn’t I get one?
Phone: RIIIIIIINNNG!!
Quikmoose: I don’t know why YOU didn’t get a contract....
Phone: RIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!
Quikmoose: ... I just know I can’t show phone number signs on camera without violating my contract....
Phone: RIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Yen: Should we get the....?
Quikmoose: ... the unions are very sensitive about flashing phone numbers, you know....
Yen: Should we....?
Phone: RIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
Yen (Reaching for the phone): Well, here’s our first caller of the show! Welcome, caller!
Caller: Hello, is Superman there?
Quikmoose (puzzled): No, who is...?
Phone: Click!
Yen: What was that all about?
Quikmoose: I don’t know, some crank...?
Phone: RIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!
Yen: At last, our REAL first caller! We want to hear from YOU! (Picks up the phone.)
Caller: Hi, uhhhh, am I on the,,,uh,,,,air or something??? Ha ha ha.
Quikmoose: Yes, caller, you are on the air with Dr. Yen and Quikmoose of the Muck ‘n Mire Saturday Afternoon.
Yen: And we want to hear from YOU! What is on your mind about quicksand and the movies?
Caller: Ah,,,ha ha... Quicksand? Ummm....ha ha ha....could you, uh....tell me about this quicksand thing? I mean...ah....ha ha,...what ? Ummm...you know?
Quikmoose: Can you speak up please?
Caller: Ah,,,,ha ha,,, is that Dr. Yen or the other one?
Yen: It was the other one. Do you have a question?
Caller: Ah, yeah, ah .... Quikmost? Is that the other...? ha ha....
Yen: Close enough. Your question?
Caller: Ha ha...could you ... like...you know....like... ha ha....
Quikmoose: It’s “QUIK-MOOSE”!
Caller: What?
Yen: Look, do you, caller, have a ...
Caller: Which are you?
Quikmoose: Which are you what??
Caller: Oh...ha ha.. you know... do you....
Yen: Thank you for calling (Slams down the receiver.)
Quikmoose: Yes, do call again, sometime.
Phone: RIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG!
Quikmoose: Oops, another caller.
Yen: Hello, caller! We want to hear from YOU!
Caller: Hello, is Superman there?
Quikmoose: Not again...
Phone: Click!
Yen: Oh, swell. Now, c’mon folks. We want to hear from YOU about quicksand scenes at the movies!
Phone: RIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!
Quikmoose (Sighing): Yes, I understand this is “Mandy” from Winnemucca. Hello, Mandy?
Caller (Mandy): Ah,,,,,ha ha....is this? Can you...ah...ha ha....tell me what this quicksand thing, is,,,,, you know...ha ha....
Yen: This sounds like the previous caller...???
Quikmoose: Where is Mandy??
Caller (Not Really Mandy): ...which one was that? Could you ....ah...ha ha...tell me....you know...thing?
Quikmoose: Well, thanks again! (Slamming down the receiver even harder.)
Yen (rolls his eyes): And please DON’T call back again...
Phone: RIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!
Yen: OK, here we go. Hello, caller?
Caller: I want you in me now! Do you want to suck?? Call my 976 number to get me real, real hot.....
Yen: Ummmm.... I don’t suppose you have a question about....??
Quikmoose: MOM!??? Is that you?????
Caller: Quikmoose, dear!! Is that you???????
Quikmoose: What are doing calling our show? What is this?
Caller (Mom): Well, you never call ME, and ever since your father passed away, 20 years ago, I’ve been all alone here in this huge house, wasting away...
Quikmoose: Wait a minute! I saw Dad this morning, asleep on the sofa...
Caller (Mom): Well, it is LIKE he’s been dead for years around here, sweetkins. And you never call or....
Yen: I don’t mean to break this up....
Quikmoose: Hello, Mom, listen we are in the middle of doing our show...
Caller (Mom): And you forget my birthday every year!
Quikmoose: Gotta go, Mom...
Caller (Mom): ... do you want my 976 number??...
Yen: Yes, I’ll take that....
Quikmoose: Bye, Ma! (Slams down the receiver.)
Yen: Hey! I wanted that number!
Quikmoose: Forget it! She will just bend your ear about Dad, and charge you for it.
Phone: RIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!
Quikmoose: That better be another caller! Hello, welcome to the Quikmoose/Dr. Yen show about quicksand in the movies.
Caller: Is Superman there?
Yen: WHAT??!!!
Phone: Click!
Quikmoose: Mother of God, what is happening here??
Phone: RRIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!
Yen: Well, another call. Yes, caller, YOU are on the air with Quikmoose and Dr. Yen!
Caller: Ahh...ha ha....is this? Am I on the air....?? ha ha....
Quikmoose: You AGAIN!????
Yen: Well, bye! (Slams down the receiver.) This is getting monotonous....
Quikmoose: Not one question yet about quicksand and the movies! Where are our fans?
Phone: RIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG!!
Yen: Ummmm... hello, we want to hear from YOU, I think....
Caller: This is Superman. Are there any messages for me?
Quikmoose (screaming): WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!?????
Phone: Click!
Yen (groaning): It’s going to be a long season...
Phone: RIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!!
Yen: Yeah, what do you want?
Caller: Ahhh....ha ha...about this quicksand ...ahh ...thing....ha ha...??
Quikmoose (Grabbing the receiver from Yen): LISTEN YOU! YOU HANG UP RIGHT NOW OR I WILL SEND DR. YEN OVER TO SHOVE THAT PHONE UP YOUR RECTAL ORIFICE...
Yen: Ummm, Quikmoose, careful of your famous bovine temper...
Caller: ....ah...which one is that???
Quikmoose: IT’S THE ONE YOU SHIT AND FART THROUGH, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
Yen: Thank you, caller. (Slams down the receiver.) Now, Quikmoose...
Phone: RIIIINNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!
(Quikmoose tears the phone off the table, jumps up and starts stomping on it...)
Caller: Ahh...bzzzzzzz..,,ha bzzzzzzz ha...is thing?,,, ...bzzzzzzzzzzzz
Yen (head in hands): Well, that’s all the time for today’s show. We will see you next month, by which time we had BETTER have fixed the projector...
Quikmoose: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU (jumping up and down on phone pieces).
Yen: So, fly right and pay your bills...
Quikmoose: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU....
Yen: And, uhhh, look both ways before crossing the street, and....uhhhhhhhh...
Quikmoose: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU....
Yen: And here we go,
Together (sort of): ON FUCK WITH YOU THE FUCK SHOW YOU......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!