Quicksand Succubus

[KostiaM]

Being a zero in storytelling, I decided to write something about those who corrupt humans and invite them to sinkhole.
https://sta.sh/0fbvnfutxw5

[JSample]

Hey, Kostia, don't sell yourself short; I think you have an excellent idea for a story. If you don't mind some constructive feedback, I would suggest that you treat what you've written as a draft outline for a fuller version of your story, paying attention to what Diana thought of the legend and what kind of experience she might have been looking for in the desert, what she imagined that the succubus might be like or appear before she encountered her, and how Xyllea came to be a quicksand succubus in the first place (has she always been a supernatural creature, or was she once a human girl who herself was taken by a succubus so as to become one herself, etc.). Also, for the sake of this forum, I would suggest that you either leave out the specific reference to Xyllea's apparent age or raise it to at least 18 (acknowledging that a succubus wouldn't really be a human girl and might possibly be immortal, regardless of how old she appears to be).

[KostiaM]

Hey, Kostia, don't sell yourself short; I think you have an excellent idea for a story. If you don't mind some constructive feedback, I would suggest that you treat what you've written as a draft outline for a fuller version of your story, paying attention to what Diana thought of the legend and what kind of experience she might have been looking for in the desert, what she imagined that the succubus might be like or appear before she encountered her, and how Xyllea came to be a quicksand succubus in the first place (has she always been a supernatural creature, or was she once a human girl who herself was taken by a succubus so as to become one herself, etc.). Also, for the sake of this forum, I would suggest that you either leave out the specific reference to Xyllea's apparent age or raise it to at least 18 (acknowledging that a succubus wouldn't really be a human girl and might possibly be immortal, regardless of how old she appears to be).

Thank you for the feedback. I'll think about it.

[KostiaM]

I updated a little the story.
https://sta.sh/0fbvnfutxw5

[JSample]

I updated a little the story.
https://sta.sh/0fbvnfutxw5

I see that you did. One thing you'll discover as you build your storytelling skills is that more detail and background make for a story that is more interesting and fun both to write and to read.